Sunday, December 8, 2013

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Night 1 Part 1

On the way back to HQ I ran across a couple of more survivors in Al Fresca plaza and tried to take them back to safety.  “Tried” is the key word.  A lack of cooperation on their part resulted in… issues.
One lady in the jewelry store was crying.  It was hard to make out what she said under all the incoherent screaming, but I heard “ate” and “my baby.”  She ate her baby!  This madwoman had gotten so desperate she had resorted to cannibalism!  And I was next!  Out of nowhere she got up and attacked me.  After shoving the bitch off I managed to convince her to peacefully come with me without biting my tits off, but while moving a barricade two others survivors set up, I “accidentally” fatally struck her with a steel rack.  I don’t think anyone saw that, thankfully.

Now I can eat them all for myself!
The two guys behind the barricade gave me trouble too.  One of the survivors outright tried to kill me with a baseball bat as soon as I approached them, leaving me no choice but to defend myself and violently show him the fine structural stability of my stainless steel rack too.
His friend was much more compliant after seeing me brutally murder his buddy and actually followed me for a while before being eaten by zombies shortly afterwards.  I don’t even know how that happened!  The zombies all started suffering from red eye when the sun went down!  They should be harmlessly blind!

He should be blind for 2 reasons.
Just as I started getting tired of people trying to kick my ass, a bunch of jerks in an armed van swung a bat at my head while I was running across the park.  I’d probably be dead if I hadn’t heard one of them shout “think fast, chucklenuts!”  The joke’s on him.  I do think fast.

But there was something about them that seemed… off.  One was holding a bat in the passenger seat with no baseball, one was on a machine gun mounted on the back with no safety gear and the driver swerved and crashed the car like he never got his license.  It’s as if they were drunk, or…

On drugs.

They must know where the stash is!

But before I could grab the driver out of the seat and interrogate him with my frying pan (which doubles as a complying pan), I saw something that may have been and could have been a scientific breakthrough!

After missing me, the convicts targeted an old man traveling with a young lady.  When they brained the old dude, the girl started to wimper like a puppy over his dead body.

I’d never seen anything like it.  This woman was somehow perfectly transplanted with a puppy’s organs, allowing her to give off a flawless wimper!  I sacrificed god knows how many puppies and people to get such results to no avail!  I had to take her back to the security room for dissection!

I persevered and guided her through the park successfully, which was hell.  The entire way I was being run over, beaten, and shot at by those drugged-up dickheads and their pimped-out jeep.  Ordinary men would be dead, but I have been to Texas.

Unfortunately, the miracle of the puppy lady was lost soon after we got inside, when I accidentally smashed her brains all over the floor with a sledgehammer.

I was able to get a good erotic shot off of her headless corpse though.  I’d like to see Kent beat that!  Yay for necrophilia?

So I had to go back with no survivors and no Dr. Barnseby.  We determined that the guy won’t be coming out of his hobbit hole unless we have a surefire way of getting out of here.  I really didn’t want to share, but I cracked and told Jesse and Brad about the helicopter.  Now they want everyone to hitch a ride, including the assaulting, raping doc!
Well I didn’t do it for free.  I told them if they want to use my ride, they have to tell me everything!  About the drugs, about my BFF running away, and about Dr. Barnaby Jones’ history.  Brad said I’ll get my answers later.  I’d damn well better.

While loading some supplies for our 3-day lock-in, Brad found some soda and gave it to me!  Honest to god soda!  Nectar of the gods!  I’ve been chugging OJ and coffee creamer all night, but I will always have room for some good fizz!

Chug chug chug!

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