Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Night 1 Part 2

My body flowed with the incredible power of caffeine, and since the doc wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I was ready to rescue some more survivors and hopefully succeed this time.  Otis told me that there were a couple of Japanese-looking tourists in a bookstore, which I immediately made my top priority.  There was some injured guy he told me about too, but the people who write shonen come before the people who can’t fend for themselves!

Getting over to Wonderland plaza of course meant I had to go through the park again, where the hooligans were still driving around like they owned the place.  Those drugs must be some sort of caffeine alternative, because I don’t think they slept at all.  Still, they have to run out of steam eventually.

I came across a rather bizarre problem when I met the tourists.  I attempted to talk to them in their language, but some voice in my head said I needed to find a book on it, which was bull.  I practically memorized the book on speaking Japanese, which I told the voice, to which it simply repeated what it had said.  “日本語ではなしましてよ!,” I said.  But the voice just continued to lie and tell me that I couldn’t speak Japanese.  What a load of poop.

To make it even more insulting, when I read the book and talked with them, I spoke like I didn’t know Japanese at all!  Even one of the tourists said (in Japanese) that my Japanese sucked!  Did my tendons erase my knowledge of foreign languages too?  And what is this omnipresent voice telling me what I know and don’t know?

That is not enough!  Kneel!  Kneel before Frank!

It didn’t matter much in the end, because the tourists didn’t survive.  As the three of us headed back to the safe room, Otis told me the roller coaster nearby was out of control, and that there was someone trapped on it.  Considering our only survivors at this point are two fat, old people, it was in my best interest.  Besides, I needed that coaster for my own purpose.  Less in my interest was what happened when I touched the control panel.

A chainsaw-juggling clown came out of nowhere and told me not to stop the ride.
I couldn’t believe it!  He was able to toss his single-handed chainsaws around, and every time he caught the handle!  Every time I try to juggle chainsaws I catch the blade!  I knew something about those chainsaws was special.  Something about them made them juggle-able.  I had to have them, and I had to take them by force.

The tourists sure weren’t any help on that front.  Even though I armed them, the clown’s fire breath and chainsaws burnt and shredded them to death.  I can’t entirely blame the clown though, because the bakas were accidentally hitting each other minutes earlier.  I thought these two would be smart enough to use the hyakuretsu ken or kamehameha, but they were complete wusses!  I am disappoint.

In the end, I had to kill the clown myself.  I took a lot of chainsaws to the stomach and almost died at one point, but thankfully I saved myself at the last minute with a gallon of the mighty messianic OJ and proceeded to kick that clown’s giggling ass.
I have to admire his incredible cranium.  It took over 7 bashes to the skull with a sledgehammer to wear the clown down, at which point he fell to the ground and landed on his chainsaws, making a big mess on the floor that I am not cleaning up.  It may have been messy and two people died, but at least I got my chainsaws, which I promptly attempted to juggle and caught the blade. 
Fuck this clown.


I also got his access card, which let me stop the coaster.  I didn’t even know I needed one.  I didn’t let the one riding it off at first though.  No, I took advantage of the situation and finally did something I’ve wanted to do all my life: perform a rap number on a moving roller coaster with someone listening.  The survivor, Greg, seemed confused at the idea at first, but a gun I snagged from a zombified cop demonstrated who had the high ground in authority.

My life felt just a little bit more fulfilled, but he acted like his mind had just gotten violated.  He knows he loved it.
When we finished and got off, Greg showed me a secret shortcut in the bathroom that leads to the bathroom in paradise plaza.  It’ll really come in handy when I’m trying to avoid being roadkill to the jeep outside or need to sneak out of a shopping trip I’m forced into by my girlfriend (if I ever get one).

Thank god I learned about the shortcut before he died.  On our way to the safe room, I hacked a path through quite a storm of zombies using my newfound chainsaws, the entire way telling Greg to “follow me” and “c’mon!”  The problem was he did not follow me or come on, he got eaten.  That’s what happens when you can’t follow simple instructions.

Overall tally for the night: six dead survivors and one dead clown.  I’d say killing a clown is worth seven points, so this night is a roaring success!

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