Of all the people in the mall during this whole incident, I never expected to meet a celebrity. I was cooling down, mixing my orange juice with lettuce in the food court after the whole bomb plot, when Otis alerted me to someone with long hair and a Molotov cocktail in
. At the time, that cocktail was just the kind
of drink I needed, but when I got there I realized that this was one man I
should not have been taking his cocktails from. Wonderland
For one thing, he looked ready to kill someone with his flaming bottle, and for another, the guy was none other than Ozzy Osbourne!
It seemed like Ozzy was on his “meds” again, nervously saying that everyone was secretly making fun of him. I was going to tell him we don’t, but I couldn’t do it with a straight face.
|That we do, Ozzy.|
The way he was twitching about and screaming, I couldn’t help but laugh right in front of him. I must’ve said something wrong because he then ran out the store and started dropping explosives and flaming bottles everywhere. I don’t know what he thought he was doing, all I know is he didn’t want to stop. I could have just let him run around setting zombies on fire. After all, there was an old lady in trouble nearby who needed saving.
On the other hand, if there’s anyone who would know about the drug lords, it’s Ozzy. Plus, just who is more important? A famous celebrity who can catch up with me and fend for himself, or some old bimbo who will only slow me down? Of course I went with Ozzy!.... After slicing him up with a nearby one-handed chainsaw to make him cooperate. He was a fast runner, but I had cocaine shakes!
I guess the brutal mauling made him slip, as he accidentally set his own crotch on fire with one of his cocktails! I took a picture, of course. That’s great blackmail material.
But I had to save him.
would be pissed if his crotch were burned off!
I thought of what was effective at extinguishing fires and tried
throwing one of my shakes, but to no effect.
Then I saw a fire extinguisher nearby, but throwing it at him didn’t do
a damn thing! When I realized pressing
the little lever shot out foam, I just covered the fire in that and put it out
just in the nick of time!
Have fun dying, old lady! I’ve got Ozzy Osbourne! I never found out what happened to those ladies Ozzy was threatening before.
|She's lying! She's full of food! Let's get out of here Ozzy!|
Later Ozzy even gave me one of his molotov cocktails. It tasted awful though. In fact I think I blew fire into one of the other survivor’s face after drinking that. Couldn’t tell who it was.
Also, Ozzy didn’t know anything about the drug lords. In fact, he told me his name was Paul. Those drugs are messing him up so bad he doesn’t know who he is anymore!
With Ozzy safe and sound, I got back to slightly more important matters. Brad had no doubt already caught my Carlito by then, but knowing him, my WEF probably had a backup plan. Isabella said she didn’t know anything else, but that we could check his computer at his secret hideout. When I asked her why she didn’t mention she knew where his hideout was, she told me I didn’t ask, to which I responded with a punch across the face. She got carved up with my machete earlier. She can take it.
I expected to run into some heavy resistance on the way to the hideout, but other than the zombies, there was no one else there! The Scream fanboys and even the crazed druggies were all gone! They must’ve known I was on to them and booked it out of here! I assume the fanboys teleported away with their magic, and the druggies probably had some kind of secret rocket booster built into their jeep!
I swear to god, if they touch my Twinkies, I will have every one of them choke to death on their friend’s intestines!
When we found the computer in his hideout right outside the gun store, it was password-locked. I tried everything someone like my WEF would use as a password. “ihatezombies,” “beniciodeltoro,” “franksux,” and even “heinersweinerschnitzeldugan” didn’t work, so I left it to Isabella to guess.
Just then, Jessie called and told me there was something I needed to see on the monitor, so it looks like I’m in for another hike back to HQ.
It’s a good thing I drink so much coffee, otherwise I would have to sleep!