Sunday, November 12, 2017

Top 10 Final Battles #6: Viewtiful Joe 2

Viewtiful Joe 2 is one of my favorite games of all time.  It is the only game I have ever given a perfect 10 out of 10.  It exceeds an already fantastic game in every way including in its amazing final battle.

Context:

With all the other happy ending-controlling Rainbow Oscars gathered and kept safe with Joe's dad Jet, and with the evil-spreading Black Film destroyed, the heroes Joe and Silvia need only one more Rainbow Oscar: the blue one Captain Blue was changed into before being taken by the big bad Black Emperor of Gedow.  That means smashing their way through Gedow's giant moon base full of robots and weirdness taken straight out of the Aliens franchise (as opposed to the first game's villain's Star Wars motif).

At the end of the very long, very difficult gauntlet, the emperor himself sits in wait, ready.

His plans are pretty much foiled by now, since the heroes have the Oscars and his Black Film is gone, but when Joe points this out, the Emperor pulls out his secret weapon.  Apparently it wasn't as gone as they thought.

"The Black Film is unbreakable!  It can never be destroyed completely!"

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 4

With the war against the terrorist threat of Germany ongoing, I have put all our country has into military spending!  We need to be protected from all foreign threats and for that I have made every single one of our increasing number of cities focus soley on money and production.  They are the most important thing in my America!  Fuck your health care!  Fuck those ingrates that want food and water!  Fuck those ungrateful alt-leftists!  As long as I’m alive this country will be safe in my hands!  They can all die!

My approval ratings are at an all-time high after that.  I’ve gotten 15 super happy red faces!  That’s more than I’ve gotten in the whole game!  I’m good at war.  I’ve had a lot of wars of my own.  I’m really good at war.  I love war, in a certain way, but only when we win.


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 3

The threat of barbarians has gotten worse.  They are coming through our borders, they are raping our women and they need to be stopped!  No matter how much military I get, there seems to be no end to them.  I am almost certain these barbarians are colluding with a foreign government!  I’ve had spies stationed in almost every country to look for proof and they are very helpful.  The FBI can learn a thing or two from them!  My spies are loyal!  I demand absolute loyalty!  That is why these spies deliver, because they’re loyal.  I didn’t bother sending any to Russia though.  Russia can be trusted.  We can’t make our spies look at Russia.  That investigation must be stopped!  Russia has not done anything wrong!

Anyway, there’s been a lot of words being thrown, but ultimately friendships are being made.  Russia even made friends with England because of me.  I’m glad to be contributing to worldwide friendship.  I’ve always considered England to be bad, but if Russia trusts them I may reconsider.  I got settlers over near Russia so we can be friends.  One of them got too close to barbarians and I had to build the city next to Brazil on the coastline.  If Pedro doesn’t like it, too bad.  I am the president!  I have power and I can do whatever I want!  As Andrew Jackson once said, “when the president does it that means that it is not illegal!”


Sunday, October 1, 2017

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 2

I have met the other nations: France, China and Russia.  I don’t know who those other guys are, but I like RussiaRussia is the best.  They know how to run a country.  They already made a big telescope in space and they have uranium.  You know what uranium is, right?  It’s this thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including bad things.  But Russia is good and they will not be bad.

[Images such as these are from Twitter account @PresVillain.]
We hit it off.  We exchanged embassies and they asked for some sugar and we helped each other out.  I think we’re going to be best friends.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 1

[Disclaimer: This series of articles is satirical and is not written by nor represents Donald Trump nor anyone who represents him or any other political party.]

Hello my fellow Americans.  My name is Donald Trump.  For several months now I have been one of the best presidents this nation has ever had.  The people love me and we’ve had a smooth transfer to a better age.  I bet you didn’t know that I also play games.

I like a lot of the games you probably do, like Call of Juarez: The Cartel and Army of Two, but in between signing papers I’ve been playing a lot of Civilization 5, a game made for the best leaders like me.  I like sharing my thoughts because they’re the ones that matter most so I made a game and will be sharing what happens.

I have the mind of the world’s best leaders


and the skills of its best game players.

Let’s get this started and make America great!