Thursday, March 20, 2014

Senran Kagura Burst Review

Beat-em-up and hack and slash games are usually a hit or miss affair with gamers.  For some, massacring hundreds of enemies as a one-person army using stylish attacks and being an overall show-off never gets old, while for others, it gets old fast.  As a fan of Sengoku Basara and Fist of the North Star: Ken’s Rage 2, I fall into the side that loves them, and alongside all the action-packed greats, Senran Kagura Burst fits right in.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The things I learned from Sleeping Dogs

After it was released as one of Xbox Live’s Games for Gold, and after I shelled out a few bucks for a Gold subscription, I played Sleeping Dogs.  Without going into too much detail, it’s a very fun game, especially for someone like me who prefers hand to hand combat over gunplay.

But I also like that it is a game portrayed with a very strong grasp on reality.  In fact, there are a lot of things Sleeping Dogs has taught me about Hong Kong and indeed the world I would have never known without playing it.  The following are just a few of such interesting facts:

  • No one will call the cops on you, even if you block traffic, steal a car and beat down citizens with your bare hands.
  • Killing criminals is okay.  Hong Kong is like Texas when it comes to the death penalty.
Justified, I'm sure.
  • Cops will only notice you break the law if you’re within 55 feet of them, as that’s how long their spider sense-like superpowers reach.
  • The police have ultrasonic hearing very sensitive to gunshots.  If you fire one enough, they’ll know precisely where you are and whip out their own!
  • It’s okay if you drive off the side of the road, but if the police see you hit someone, only then will they give a damn.
  •  People in Hong Kong are very chivalric in the protection of their turf.  So much so they’ll come at you with their knives and fists while you gun them down with an assault rifle.
  • I look like I could use a pork bun.
  • Wei Shen’s harmonious singing voice is seconded only by William Hung.
  • Wei Shen is not related to Hong Kong street brawler Shen Woo. 
  • Wei Shen has eyes in the back of his head.
  • Wei Shen never had his rabies shots.
  • Wei Shen will sacrifice 10 people to save 3. 
  • Wei Shen can block a water geyser from a broken fire hydrant with only his foot. 
  • A man who never eats a pork bun is never a whole man.

  • Hong Kong automobiles are so ungodly strong they can still drive after flying 30 feet into the air, hitting a neon sign, and falling like a rock.  Yay for wheel suspensions!
  • If people keep smoking in front of your apartment every day when you beat them to death every time, they’re clearly enjoying it. 
  • Police brutality is the best kind.

  • Randy Savage never told us that Slim Jims can help break into cars, so snap into a Slim Jim to snap into an SUV!
  • Jumping from one moving vehicle to another is about as easy as jumping across a 16-inch gap.  Try it at home, kids!
"Don't worry!  I saw this on Jackass!"
  • Beware of newspaper stands.  They’ll flip your car over like a flapjack.
  • Pork buns give you Wolverine’s healing powers!

  • Everyone in Hong Kong keeps some nitroglycerin in their cars.  You never know when you might need some… For traffic jams, I guess.
  • Wei Shen casually walks away after a double decker bus runs over his legs.
  • Wei Shen has yet to meet thief that can outrun boolit.
  • Smokers are so stupid they don’t even flinch when their buddy is shot in the head by a gunman right before their eyes. 
  • When Wei Shen needs a car, all he has to do is flash his badge to passers by.  Yoink!
  • Hong Kong prices are inflated as hell.  A single can of soda costs $25!
  • Broken legs are like a slap in the arm.  You won’t even hobble.
  • Wei Shen can outrun a cross country gold medalist without breaking a sweat.
  • When someone angers Wei Shen, their car mysteriously explodes in a firey cataclysm of shrapnel some time after.
Source: Siliconera
  • Seat belts are for people who are not Wei Shen.
  • Wei Shen was initially arrested for association with the worst game-to-movie adaption ever made.  Even after taking out the triad, his criminal record has not been amended due to the Hong Kong Police Department’s insistence on showing Wei how the real Iori acts: He never forgives and never forgets.
  • Note that Wei Shen fights very much like Batman does.  Also notice that Wei Shen and Batman have never been seen at the same time.  Therefore...
Wei Shen is Batman!

Monday, March 10, 2014

The Eternal Pimp

In 1992, a fur-coat wearing black dude with sunglasses named Mr. Big conspired with Geese Howard in the kidnapping of Yuri Sakazaki in order to get her ass-kicking father to beat people up for them.  But after a beating by Yuri’s older brother Ryo, Mr. Big later went on to participate in the King of Fighters tournament in 1996.

"Taste my vengance!"
Years later, in the early 2000s, an up and coming music producer named Tyrone King made a name for himself finding star talent and writing some popular songs of his own.  Before long, the fur-coat wearing black dude with sunglasses was contracted to serve as the host of the ultra-violent game show Terror is Reality, in which zombies were bloodily slaughtered in different made-up sports for entertainment.

Many years after that, far into the future, the even more violent and prestige reality show Death Watch was held in the isolated Varrigan City after years of hiatus.  This Death Watch was hosted by the fur-coat wearing black dude with sunglasses The Black Baron.

At first glance these seem to be three completely different characters from completely different game franchises made by completely different companies.  I, however, do not buy this for one second.  I believe that every one of these fur coat-wearing black dudes with sunglasses are in fact one and the same.  They are all an immortal fur coat-wearing black dude with sunglasses whose true name is unknown, but I call The Eternal Pimp.