Sunday, December 22, 2013

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 3 Part 1

Before I did anything, I needed to arm myself.  I really blew through my guns in the last mission, so I went back to the gun store to refill my arsenal.  That ended up being a lot harder than it sounded though.  Three jerks already beat me to it, and they opened fire on me the second I walked inside!  They hammered me with their guns so hard I think I gained 50 pounds of lead and I had to crawl to the door while I took every blow!

I was barely able to get out of there horribly mangled by constant gunfire, but as soon as I went through the door and left, they asked me if I was okay.  Thinking they had a change of heart, I went back in, whereupon they opened a stream of bullets on me again!  Those mother fuckers!

It wasn’t until the leader approached me we started more peaceful negotiations.  I told them about our HQ they could all hide out in while waiting for the helicopter, but they wanted proof that it existed with a picture of the air duct we’re using to get in.  I slowly approached the counter for some guns to arm myself for the trip, but there must be some line I’m not allowed to cross because they then opened fire on me and chased me out of the store like a scared monkey!  Again!

If I could just grab my guns I would splatter their brains all over the wall!

Even without guns, my task seemed simple enough, if a little tedious, but on the way back to HQ for the picture, I ran into a… complication.
I was fighting the Scream fanboys as usual when one of them threw some kind of white powder at me.  At first I thought it was sneezing powder and they were trying to make me sneeze my brain out, but it was actually some sort of sleeping powder.  Like a narcotic.

As I fell into unconsciousness, I realized what this meant.  There’s only one place they could have gotten such a substance!  The Scream fan club is just a front!  The drug lord I’ve been searching for is that old dude trying to push his drugs on innocent people to make them obey him. Manipulating them through the love of their favorite movie franchise!  He’s the last person I would have suspected!  It’s only a matter of time until I find him and kill him!  Then the evil shall be extinguished.

That eye is looking like one big target.
When I woke up, I found myself in one of the cult’s wooden boxes in a small room filled with Scream fans.  Everything I had on me was taken away and I was left only with my undies.  They even took away my backup anal pistol!  At least they have a sense of decency, but even as I write this, I can’t imagine the horrible, unspeakable things they did to me!  We have an entire group of rapists in the mall!  As if Dr. Polly Wolly Doodle Ump Bump Fizz & G wasn’t enough!  I know I wasn’t awake for it, but I could still feel the pain.  The pain of a thousand tetanus shots!

The only door in the room was locked.  I had no choice but to fight for my life with only what they had lying around their little set-up: A stepladder, a can of beans, and a sword.  I sometimes leave swords lying around too.  The neighbors always bitch at me when I let the kids play with it.

I'd rather not detail what happened next, but let's just say I'll never look at a sphincter the same way again.

They had more than one opportunity to just give me sleep powder again, but I guess they were just too slow!

Once I cleared the room and took a picture of the bodies, I got the password off a slip in one of their pockets and left.  It turns out the room I was in was in the park outside, not too far from Paradise Plaza, which was convenient, but I still had to run across half the mall in my undies while I collected any weapons and food I could.  I was so desperate for weapons I picked up a handbag and started beating back zombies and fanboys with that.  Some of them even tried to take it from me, to which I responded by screaming “That’s mah purse!” and whacking them to death with it.

When I got back to HQ, I took a picture of the duct and changed back to my snazzy clothes while I was there before going back to the gun store.  Nothing beats the drab grey jacket and white T-shirt look.

I got to the store with little trouble, got the three bungholes to come with me, and they even let me take some guns without filling me full of holes.  Right after that is when the shitstorm started.

You see, before showing them the photograph, I had to swat through a mob of Scream fanboys just outside and shut the door behind me because I was unarmed.  Once I was armed, I charged back at the mob screaming “Leeroooooooy!  Jeeenkiiiiins!”, but once again, one of them had sleep powder and they dragged me away.  Those asshats I just rescued not 5 feet away from me just stood there and didn’t do a damn thing while I was being dragged away and raped!
Just like before, I had to kill my offenders and book it back to the gun store in my undies, but when I got back they were all still in the gun store and one of them was dead.  They didn’t even bother looking for me!  And how the hell did one of them die in such safety?!  Did he mistake his pistol for a Pez dispenser?!

I was willing to settle for taking back two of them, but even though they were fully armed, one of them fell behind and got mauled by zombies on the way there!  You snooze, you lose, and you lose, you die.

With only one left, barely alive due to similar zombie maulings, I was extremely protective and managed to keep the zombies off of him; but only the zombies.  Just as I was about to open the door to Paradise Plaza to relative safety, those jackasses driving around the park pancaked the last guy into the wall with their jeep, just barely missing me and getting rid of the last survivor.

I don’t think I’m blaming this one on them as much as I am karma.  At least I had good news for Brad: No one is going to bother us about the gun store anytime soon.

But then I got some bad news (aside from realizing I was in the room in my undies, I mean).  According to Isabella, Carlito said he was going to blow up the mall using bombs in the underground maintenance tunnels and have the explosion cover the entire mall using flammable gas!  What’s worse, the explosion would send horrible grubs into the atmosphere!  Superman would get bugs in his mouth every day, and all the zombie chunks would make a catastrophic mess not even the giant maid from Spaceballs could clean up!

I couldn’t help but wonder what Carlito has to eat to have enough gas to fill the entirety of the maintenance tunnels, but it didn’t matter!  I had to help Superman!

You mean, let ME do it, right?

I thought of an added bonus to this too.  If I could get those bombs before anyone else, I could’ve discreetly blown the shit out of anyone who rubs me the wrong way…. Otis!

But that’s not what happened.  To make a long story slightly less long, I ran to the zombie-filled tunnels and took a motorcycle someone parked outside, since I didn’t want to walk the whole way.  Conveniently someone was dumb enough to leave their keys in it.  But, seconds after I drove it through the entrance, the motorcycle spontaneously fell apart!  What a piece of shit!

I instead took a truck someone parked nearby next to one of the trucks Carlito stored a bomb in, then used that to get to all the other bombs, running over what was at least 1,000 zombies on the way.  Luckily their mushy remains didn’t affect the truck’s performance.  It was almost as fun as running over jaywalkers back home, but not quite.

The entire time my WEF kept trying to ram into me with his truck or blow me up with grenades.  You’d think he’d want to be careful throwing explosives around with his armed bombs in close proximity, but apparently he had one hell of a stockpile in the back seat of his truck and he was going to use it come hell or high water.  It took six or so shotgun bullets to the face for him to get the message that I wanted to be left alone, which he promptly forgot 2 minutes later!  He even blew up my truck at one point, forcing me to go the rest of the way in a sports car.  Surprisingly, the truck didn’t explode.  Movies have lied to me!

Yo!  Move it!  You're blocking traffic!
I think Brad got him, because eventually he just stopped coming.  That meant I was home free!  I put all the bombs in a conveniently-placed shopping cart and rushed them out of the tunnels, but my happiness quickly turned to panic when I realized they were about to go off.

I either have 9 hours, 99 minutes and 99 seconds left... or... HIT THE DECK!

There was an explosion of five bombs just a few feet behind me, but I can still hear and the jacket isn’t even singed!

Good thing I’m indestructible.

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