Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 2 Part 3

Today I finally got somewhere.  I am just hours away from finally learning the secret of Santa’s cabeza.

It all started in the staff room after I finally rescued someone for the first time in a full day.  I was looking at one of my old photos of the time I fought a giant stone sphere monster with Japanese costumed superheroes.  Brad thought it was a picture from some Halloween party and didn’t believe my story.

Your time will come Brad…

Anyway, I finally found that girl on the monitor.  She parked her motorcycle just outside the grocery store in the North Plaza, presumably to vandalize it again.  Of course, that meant I had to hike all the way back there after already having to hike all the way back to the staff room.  I could have just waited for Otis to tell me where she was and head there, but Otis isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.  Imagine what would happen if we had him fight the zombie hordes.

I caught up with the girl just as she was coming out of the store, but she seemed really hostile toward me.  I tried to lighten up the atmosphere with a funny internet reference, but she just tried to run me over!

It’s a good thing she tried to kill me with her vehicle instead of escape with it, otherwise I couldn’t have slashed her to death with my machete.  Surprisingly, it didn’t leave a single scar on her skin.

She tried to run and even kicked me in the junk (thank goodness for my balls of steel), but I managed to tackler her down and convince her that I didn’t want to hurt her.  I only wanted to talk.

You dirty bi- I mean...

Does this look like the face of a man who would hurt you, you groin-kicking bitch?!
I slashed her to ribbons with my machete seconds earlier, but that doesn’t count!  I needed to know just what happened to Santa’s cabeza!  She asked me a bunch of questions, but I was the one asking them.

Unfortunately all she told me was that I created the zombies, and that the zombies are some sort of message from the one with all the answers I’m looking for: her brother and my WEF, Carlito.
The zombies are a message from Carlito?  Does he really distrust UPS that much?

As if being a Vietnamese sleeper agent wasn’t shocking enough, now I’m being held responsible for turning thousands of people into zombies!  I don’t remember doing anything like that!  Did I have my memories erased?  What is going on?!
I guess I’ll find out at midnight tonight, because the girl, Isabela,  is going to bring Carlito to me.  Apparently he's injured, and I guess someone pissed on his cupcakes, because Isabela said she was also in a bad mood.  That won't be a problem.  When I’m done questioning him, he will pay for what he did for that zombie with his life!

But having until midnight gave me plenty of time, and zombies, to kill, so I went exploring and came across a gun shop in a secluded little corner of the plaza.  Finally I could use something long-range!  Or so I thought.

When I entered the seemingly-empty shop, a man instantly materialized out of nowhere and told the redneck shopkeeper that we need guns to survive.  I have two theories as to how this man suddenly appeared in the gun store: he’s from the Starship Enterprise or is a Power Ranger.

But redneck Billy Bob didn’t trust the Power Rangers, and told us both that if we got closer, he’d blow us to kingdom come with his mighty boomstick.

Then the Power Ranger got closer and was blown to kingdom come with his mighty boomstick.  Alas, regular guns were always a weakness of theirs.

Those boomsticks have some amazing force.  And that was from 10 feet away!
That monster killed a Power Ranger!  And he probably helped make Calvin Tucker’s Redneck Jamboree too!  He couldn’t be allowed to live, and on top of that, I really wanted to loot the store, so I gave him a taste of my American machete too, between rounds of hiding behind his bulletproof stands until he reloaded, of course.  Again, I have been to Texas.  I'm used to this.  It reminds me of a movie: Machete Kills!

Caught him drinking on the job too.  I'm telling Mr. Heston!
When he finally had enough, the redneck ran outside in fear, calling me crazy and homicidal.  Not two steps outside, a zombie attacked him and pinned him down.  I could have helped, but he called me crazy.  Nobody insults me and lives!  I am not crazy!

Om nom nom.  Om nom.  Engineer is delicious!

 That reminds me of something thought-provoking.

Now that I have the gun store all to myself, I’m ready to lock, load and take care of some annoying druggies.  But first I need to stop confusing my guns with my baguettes.

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