I was a little less bummed about the katanas once I finally
got out of the North
Plaza
I also had to hike through the gigantic Leisure Park
Teddie! Sitting right
next to a bench, Teddie had somehow been brought back to life! It was a miracle, but one that soon turned
back into a tragedy. As I frolicked
across the field with Teddie in my arms, a zombie attacked us out of absolutely
nowhere, and Teddie threw himself at
it to defend me, ascending to the heavens once again when he could do no more.
Why?! Why does fate
conspire to separate me from my best friend?!
Why can I not spend just one hour of life with my precious Teddie?!
Teddie’s second death only pushed me further to get the best
of these damn zombies, so I picked up a nearby weapon no man, living or dead,
stands a chance against: the mighty rock!
Nothing man or beast can defend against the raw density of
the earth! Every time I swing that rock
upon the undead, their heads cave in with its divine, perfectly-crafted
might! The only rock more powerful than
the one I hold in my hands is Dwayne Johnson, and lifting him would be
inconveniently heavy!
With it, I was ready to charge in and brutally bludgeon
whatever was giving Brad a hard time, but first I took a moment to mow some of
the outside grass. I’m not sure
why. I think all that detention time
mowing lawns at Bullworth
Academy
_lawnmower.png) |
| Honk honk! |
The very second I walked into the food court, someone shot
at me and I was forced to take cover, conveniently in the same place Brad was. Luckily he didn’t question my wardrobe
consisting of children-sized Ratman clothes, a shaved head, and sunglasses even
though it was dark out. Maybe it’s
because he doesn’t think anything can bring down the bald head look.
I knew Brad was under attack before I came in, but I didn’t
think it was against someone armed with a gun!
I was ready to get out of there and just leave him, but I never got the
chance to slip out.
He tasked me with helping him bring down whoever was shooting
at us. I tried to get out by telling him
I’d never fired a gun at a person before, not counting that time I dared my
friend to eat a churro off my gun barrel and he bumped my finger, but he didn’t
care.
 |
| "Your baldness is inferior to my glorious mullet." |
I didn’t think I’d have to shoot the guy once I saw who it
was. It was my BFF from earlier! The one who greeted me when I first arrived! I thought we could talk things out as friends,
so at first I didn’t shoot at him and instead went up to the scaffolding to
show him how cool my new rock was by shoving it into his face.
I don’t think he was impressed though. His response was to shoot me about 9 times at
point blank range with his machine gun before roundhouse kicking me 15 feet down
to the ground. Ordinary men would be
killed by such injuries, but not I! I
just downed some wine bottles I assume used to be water from the nearby bar and
was all better without any kind of adverse effect. The bullets in me weren’t ejected out of my
wounds though, so I’m pretty sure I still have a few grams of metal stuck in my
gut.
When I realized that, I also realized that was my BFF’s
intention all along. He wasn’t shooting
at us because he wanted to hurt or kill us.
He thought we were underweight and wanted to add some pounds of metal to
our body! My dietician said I needed
less iron in my diet, but she’s also the person who told me to “put the gun
down”, so screw her!
With that in mind,, I found it only right we return the
favor to my BFF with our own bullets. He
is kind of on the skinny side.
 |
| Hey kids! Real guns are where the fun is! Those Nerf guns are for losers! |
It was during the ensuing fire fight and yogurt chug I took
at look out the window and saw the sun moving!
Time is moving once again! In
fact, it has been ever since I first entered the food court! That means the doors in this mall are more
than just doors! They’re all some sort
of space-time stabilization device for every area in the mall, and if just one
gets jammed, time freezes in place! It
wasn’t until I opened it the jam was fixed and time returned to normal. I knew the mall was big, but I didn’t realize
it was cosmic!
After my BFF gained enough weight, he ran away on some sort
of rope to the ceiling, sadly before I got to ask him for his name. He seemed to be in quite the hurry, so I
assume he was late for his cousin’s baby shower.
I asked Brad, but he doesn’t know his name either. He was ready to just leave me behind, but changed
his mind when I flashed my picture of the old jerk. If Samuel Jackson and Danny Glover have to go
undercover, I knew they would be on the lookout for criminals, and based on his
actions and Jessie’s reaction, I brilliantly surmised that the old jerk in the
entrance was one of the most wanted men in America . No doubt for assault, rape, and landing
pterodactyls on public property.
It turns out Jessie, Brad and I assume Otis, are all agents
for the Department of Homeland Security, and they are indeed looking for the
old man. I love being right.
 |
| No! Mine! |
We wasted no time in heading back to the entrance plaza to
bust the putz. I could play out what
would happen in my head. We were going to
go over to there wearing sunglasses, point our guns at him and say “You’re
under arrest. Sentence: eternity in
hell.” Before blowing his brains out and getting a nice brutality shot for Kent .
But no, when we got there, he was grated inside a bookstore
and all Brad did was politely ask him to come with us (in the process I learned
that his name is Dr. Bumblebee). Of
course, he refused to leave without having a secure way out of the mall. I could have brought up my helicopter ride,
but I was sure the big badass DHS agents had their own. All we can do now is head back to the
security room. No guns, no
convictions. This sucks.
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