I met Kakashi at our local McDonalds this morning to discuss my brilliant story idea. Thankfully he wore sunglasses this time, so I didn’t sustain any injuries. After avoiding the fee by beating him in Sausage McGriddle chugging contest, we immediately took the chopper to the Willamette Parkview Mall. I don’t think anyone in the parking lot minded the noise, but if they did, they aren’t there if we can’t hear them.
As we approached the city by air, I noticed groups of military men camping out on the roads leading into the city, even going so far as to set up their own little forts in case a snowball fight broke out. Why would the military have campouts on the road? Don’t they know they’ll back up traffic?
That wasn’t a concern to us in the air, but I can’t help but feel sorry for the people who have to rely on cars. Somewhere a man is trying to get to work, and I don’t think government road campouts are a valid tardiness excuse.
That’s not the only reason I felt sorry for them. During the flight to the mall I looked down to get some pictures overhead and saw some very interesting photo ops. There was a man on the top of his car and three other people climbing up trying to get him. The guy was swatting at them trying to get them away from them like a bunch of bees. It's a picture I've taken plenty of times. There must be a Brony convention in town and that poor bastard let it slip that he didn’t watch My Little Pony. He should know better.
|Beware the Bronies.|
It got better. I also saw a gas station explode in a spectacular display of fire and shrapnel. I always thought gas stations had safety valves to make sure such an event never happens, but there must’ve been one incredibly persistent smoker down there. I almost asked Kakashi to lower the chopper so we could rescue the injured, but gas is expensive and it wasn't like there was a place to get some anymore.
My camera scoping had to be cut short when military helicopters arrived. At first I couldn’t imagine why the military would want us, but it didn’t take me long to realize that we had something they wanted: my Twinkies!
I wasn’t about to give up their creamy baked goodness to the likes of the feds! In an act of flippant defiance, I dropped my suitcase with the Twinkies overboard into the mall’s parking lot. Try to get them now!
|Now I'll just have to get the hell out of here and recover them later.|
With little time left, I had Kakashi get as close as he could to the mall and told him to come back and pick me up in exactly three days, assuming he wasn’t gunned down minutes later or beaten to death in interrogation for my Twinkies. 20 feet in the air, I jumped out of the chopper and landed on my feet like Rambo!
Didn’t feel a thing.
The roof was eerily quiet, but there was another man hanging out on the roof, so it’s not like everyone was dead. We chatted it up, I told him about my job, and he kindly informed me that the mall was actually hell, but he must have been mistaken. I have yet to see a single Ubisoft game or Hannah Montana DVD.
Before I left to go shoot for the story, the man told me he was looking forward to some great pictures. What a nice guy. From that moment onward, we wer Best Friends Forever. I forgot to ask for his name, but such trivial details are not needed among BFFs.
|"This, my friend... Is hell."|
Coming in from the rooftop I found myself in a security room of some sort, but nobody was around. At first I thought I could use the intercom and say obscene poopy words, but then I realized nobody was there because they were probably off saving money on those big deals!
I really had to book it, but something caught my eye on the way out. I glanced at the security monitors and saw, to my horror, what may be one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen: Three hungry-looking citizens forcing a woman out of her car… And eating the flesh right off her body… Raw! Uncooked!
That’s just not right! Meat should be medium well when you eat it! Any other way is just wrong!
|The reception on this TV sucks!|
Averting my eyes from the horrific spectacle, I walked my way to the mall’s primary entrance, where a bunch of guys were piling furniture as a barricade for a horde of creatures outside. At first I just thought they were trying to keep out a bunch of really hungry hobos that were informed of the big event, but the man in charge assured me that they were actually zombies, which was a relief. Zombies I can handle. Hobos are something else.
I know there were other things to be alert about, but I was completely captivated by the giant bee mascot on display there. It’s a majestic, towering work of art as big as the e-mail had told me. I could tell just by looking at its bright, happy face that this was going to be a mall trip of fun.
But then something else caught my eye. Right behind a really hot chick was a poster for Tyke Tots! My all-time favorite clothes store in the entire
U.S.A.! But before I could get a closer look, that old fart jumped in front of me, implied that I was checking out the chick, and
barked orders to help with the barricade.
|I think he could stare directly into my soul, and I into his. His was full of evil.|
An old lady nearby was looking desperately for her missing dog, so I gave her some peace of mind and told her that her dog was outside with the “hobos”, but that she would have to move the furniture out of the way to go get it.
All I had to do then was get as far away from the door as possible and wait for the shit to hit the fan. As I was waiting by the grated-off area on the opposite end of the plaza, I saw another old fart behind it. I thought he might feel more important if I took some pictures of him without his consent, but when I did, he tried to attack me through the grate with his walking cane and yelled at me! I managed to get some pictures of the incident for evidence of his assault, after which he backed off.
I hope he realizes just what he’s done. I won’t forget this old man! I will never forget! I will never forgive! Nobody attacks Frank West with a cane and lives unless it's a candy cane, in which case I can eat it!
Before I could rip the grating apart and shove the old man’s cane down his throat, the stupid old lady moved the barricade and opened the door in order to get her precious doggie, just as I had planned. It turns out the doggie really was out there, but it didn’t make a difference anymore. The zombies started to pour in through the doors and killed several people, including the horrible man that blocked my vision. That’s one victory for me.
Not only had I delivered justice, but the front door was now wide open, which means I could go outside and get my briefcase full of Twinkies! There were zombies coming out of the front, but I’d go through a fire to get my baked snacks!
As I was about to start running, a screaming man on the second floor distracted me, but it was no ordinary man. I was in the same mall as Samuel L. Jackson himself! Samuel screamed at everyone downstairs to go up the stairs near the entrance the zombies were coming from. It seemed kind of crazy at the time, but I would never question Master Windu.
|"Get your ass up here!"|
As it turns out, zombies are smart and fast. After looking at Samuel for just a few seconds, I looked back down and saw that everyone on the first floor was already surrounded by them!
It shouldn’t have been a problem for me though. I’ve been trained by the very best martial artists from around the world: Wade Wilson, Geese Howard, Kenshiro, and even the great Wimp Lo! I could have plowed through every single one of them and cleared out the plaza in a few minutes, but something was wrong.
I attempted to unleash master Kenshiro’s Hundred Crack Fist, but all I could do was flail my arms like a kid just learning how to box! I couldn’t remember how to do it! I couldn’t remember how to do anything! Apparently when I jumped out of the helicopter, the impact of the fall made the tendons in my legs shoot up into my skull and wipe my memories of how to fight! Why does science have to be so mean?!
With my combat skills tendonized, I had no choice but to improvise. I picked up a nearby baseball bat and started to whack through those flesh-eating monsters like the umpire’s head in a baseball game.
Being the saint with clear regard for human life that I am, I tried to rescue some of the other people around. I couldn’t save them all, but I thought I could at least save a few… If they cooperated.
I was able to clear the nearby area of the zombies and swathed a path for the two innocents that managed to survive, but even with safe passage, the stupid cunts wouldn’t move! It’s as if their brains were completely shut down! They just stood there, waiting to be eaten! Almost as if they were…. Stoned.
This could only mean the pot smugglers have reached even the small city of
Willamette! Now they’re costing even more lives in a
whole new way! I will not stop until
every one of those monsters pay! On the bright side, the stoners make for good bait.
I made my way to the front of the mall, naturally while being bitten and clawed at the closer I got, but it would have been worth it just to know my Twinkies were safe! It would be, but the doors were locked.
Then how did the zombies get in?!
I tried breaking the glass on the doors, but they must be made from some kind of bulletproof glass, because I couldn’t even make a crack in them! Frustrated, I made my way to the stairs like Samuel said and took even more injuries on the way. Luckily it didn’t ruin my spiffy jacket.
When I got upstairs, I retreated back to the security room, where Samuel and a couple of his friends were hiding. One was a blonde-haired woman in very feminine attire named Jessie, while the other was Danny Glover! Danny welded the doors shut as soon as I came in, apparently because Samuel thought we’d best not use the door so long as those “things” are in the mall. Since I’ve yet to see any zombie open any door with a knob on it, I assume he was referring to any other survivors. Don’t want them crowding the hallway.
Instead, we’re using an air duct to go in and out of the mall’s rooftop. People in
Willamette must have some kind of nasty sinus condition,
because these are the biggest air ducts I have ever seen! They’re big enough to be a hallway! It’s as if they were made to be passages for
guys our size!
Then again, what if it is? What if they’re used to smuggle marijuana into the mall? That would have to mean the architectural engineer is in on it! There are so many questions that have yet to be answered.
After Samuel left to explore the mall, I showed off my badass picture album to Jessie, who told me that the badass black dude’s name is Brad. I then saw Danny’s name tag: “Otis.” Brad and Otis must be some kind of aliases Samuel Jackson and Danny Glover are using for a top-secret mission here. I don’t want to blow their cover, so I’m playing along.
Looking at my camera, Jessie seemed particularly interested in the picture of the old man. She denied the guy having done anything, but I know that look she made. That is the face of a woman who has been violated. Now I have two reasons to kill that sonbitch.
I could have waited out the whole thing until Kakashi got back with his helicopter, but there was so much I had yet to understand. I may have lost my moves, but I can just as easily learn some new tricks. I have an entire mall filled with murderous monsters in almost every area, a map of the whole place and a transceiver Otis gave me (that will come in handy).
It’s go time.