Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Prologue

[You’ve played the game, but was it the truth?  The story of Frank West’s adventure at the Willamette Parkview Mall was once one of the most sensational in history.  Or so we thought.  As it turns out, the government ended up removing certain points of the incident and downplaying others leading to a similar story, but in an entirely different light on it.  The posts you are about to read are a diary of the events of the Willamette incident Frank West kept.  The true events, as recalled by Mr. West himself, and not fabricated by me.  Through this we will learn what really happened, and what was going through my Frank’s head as the horror unfolded.]

September 18
I thought it was going to be just another day for photojournalist extraordinaire Frank West.  When a publication needs pictures, I’ve got the best around.  But today was different, and not because I was transported to another dimension and beat up costumed superheroes.  Today, I accepted what may be the ultimate challenge for any photographer.

It was an ordinary afternoon at first.  I went to the warehouse I found out about yesterday and took the same pictures I usually did during my crime fighting/photographing: exploded heads, burnt bodies, fire-breathing hell hounds and a nice shot of me shoulder slamming the organs out of some poor sap’s gut.

After I made sure nothing in the place was moving, I opened the boxes and, to my disappointment, didn’t find any marijuana, but instead several crates of Hostess Twinkies.  And no, none of them had marijuana where the cream filling was.

That’s the third time this week I’ve hit the wrong place, but I can’t let myself be discouraged.  Those smugglers are still out there and I’m so close I can just smell the smoke!  On the bright side, I got some free Twinkies.  Heavenly, delicious Twinkies.

The ultimate challenge came after I finished organizing my photos.  I was checking my e-mail and came across one with a most peculiar subject title: “BIG BIG BIG DEALS!”
It told me that “everything here at the Willamette Parkview Mall is going big!”  There’s going to be big deals, big stuffed animals, big savings, a big park for big people to relax in, and not to mention all the tools I could need for finally building that mech suit I’ve been planning on.
They’ve got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumsizers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators generat

Sorry about the previous paragraph.  I couldn’t get that song out of my head and I can’t erase pen.

This is going to be the story of the century!  It has to be!  Sure, the e-mail was in the spam folder, but something with a subject header in all capital letters has to be good to warrant such size!  I had to get there, and soon.

Without hesitation I immediately set up a flight with Kakashi for tomorrow.  To prepare, I’ve read a few news articles about the mall.  Apparently the area is being quarantined by the government at the moment.  They’re trying to keep me from covering the story, just like when they put the neighbors under witness protection!  They should know that’s never worked before and it isn’t going to work now!  My magnum opus starts tomorrow!

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