[You’ve played the
game, but was it the truth? The story of
Frank West’s adventure at the Willamette Parkview Mall was once one of the most
sensational in history. Or so we
thought. As it turns out, the government
ended up removing certain points of the incident and downplaying others leading
to a similar story, but in an entirely different light on it. The posts you are about to read are a diary
of the events of the Willamette incident Frank
West kept. The true events, as recalled by Mr. West himself, and not fabricated by
me. Through this we will learn what
really happened, and what was going through my Frank’s head as the horror
unfolded.]
September 18
I thought it was going to be just another day for
photojournalist extraordinaire Frank West.
When a publication needs pictures, I’ve got the best around. But today was different, and not because I
was transported to another dimension and beat up costumed superheroes. Today, I accepted what may be the ultimate
challenge for any photographer.
It was an ordinary afternoon at first. I went to the warehouse I found out about
yesterday and took the same pictures I usually did during my crime
fighting/photographing: exploded heads, burnt bodies, fire-breathing hell
hounds and a nice shot of me shoulder slamming the organs out of some poor
sap’s gut.
After I made sure nothing in the place was moving, I
opened the boxes and, to my disappointment, didn’t find any marijuana, but instead
several crates of Hostess Twinkies. And
no, none of them had marijuana where the cream filling was.
That’s the third time this week I’ve hit the wrong place,
but I can’t let myself be discouraged.
Those smugglers are still out there and I’m so close I can just smell
the smoke! On the bright side, I got
some free Twinkies. Heavenly, delicious
Twinkies.
The ultimate challenge came after I finished organizing my
photos. I was checking my e-mail and
came across one with a most peculiar subject title: “BIG BIG BIG DEALS!”
It told me that “everything here at the Willamette Parkview Mall is going
big!” There’s going to be big deals, big
stuffed animals, big savings, a big park for big people to relax in, and not to
mention all the tools I could need for finally building that mech suit I’ve
been planning on.
They’ve got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats,
electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water
meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets,
rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle
irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and
plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper
cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles,
pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water
proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking
chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug
deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumsizers, tennis
rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit
breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators generat
Sorry about the previous paragraph. I couldn’t get that song out of my head and I can’t erase pen.
This is going to be the story of the century! It has to be!
Sure, the e-mail was in the spam folder, but something with a subject
header in all capital letters has to
be good to warrant such size! I had to
get there, and soon.
Without hesitation I immediately set up a flight with
Kakashi for tomorrow. To prepare, I’ve
read a few news articles about the mall. Apparently the area is being
quarantined by the government at the moment.
They’re trying to keep me from covering the story, just like when they
put the neighbors under witness protection!
They should know that’s never worked before and it isn’t going to work
now! My magnum opus starts tomorrow!
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