Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 3 Part 2

Of all the people in the mall during this whole incident, I never expected to meet a celebrity.  I was cooling down, mixing my orange juice with lettuce in the food court after the whole bomb plot, when Otis alerted me to someone with long hair and a Molotov cocktail in Wonderland Plaza.  At the time, that cocktail was just the kind of drink I needed, but when I got there I realized that this was one man I should not have been taking his cocktails from.

For one thing, he looked ready to kill someone with his flaming bottle, and for another, the guy was none other than Ozzy Osbourne!

It seemed like Ozzy was on his “meds” again, nervously saying that everyone was secretly making fun of him.  I was going to tell him we don’t, but I couldn’t do it with a straight face.

That we do, Ozzy.

The way he was twitching about and screaming, I couldn’t help but laugh right in front of him.  I must’ve said something wrong because he then ran out the store and started dropping explosives and flaming bottles everywhere.  I don’t know what he thought he was doing, all I know is he didn’t want to stop.  I could have just let him run around setting zombies on fire.  After all, there was an old lady in trouble nearby who needed saving.

On the other hand, if there’s anyone who would know about the drug lords, it’s Ozzy.  Plus, just who is more important?  A famous celebrity who can catch up with me and fend for himself, or some old bimbo who will only slow me down?  Of course I went with Ozzy!.... After slicing him up with a nearby one-handed chainsaw to make him cooperate.  He was a fast runner, but I had cocaine shakes!

I guess the brutal mauling made him slip, as he accidentally set his own crotch on fire with one of his cocktails!  I took a picture, of course.  That’s great blackmail material.

But I had to save him.  Sharon would be pissed if his crotch were burned off!  I thought of what was effective at extinguishing fires and tried throwing one of my shakes, but to no effect.  Then I saw a fire extinguisher nearby, but throwing it at him didn’t do a damn thing!  When I realized pressing the little lever shot out foam, I just covered the fire in that and put it out just in the nick of time!

I am so smart!

Have fun dying, old lady!  I’ve got Ozzy Osbourne!  I never found out what happened to those ladies Ozzy was threatening before.

She's lying!  She's full of food!  Let's get out of here Ozzy!

Later Ozzy even gave me one of his molotov cocktails.  It tasted awful though.  In fact I think I blew fire into one of the other survivor’s face after drinking that.  Couldn’t tell who it was.

Also, Ozzy didn’t know anything about the drug lords.  In fact, he told me his name was Paul.  Those drugs are messing him up so bad he doesn’t know who he is anymore!

With Ozzy safe and sound, I got back to slightly more important matters.  Brad had no doubt already caught my Carlito by then, but knowing him, my WEF probably had a backup plan.  Isabella said she didn’t know anything else, but that we could check his computer at his secret hideout.  When I asked her why she didn’t mention she knew where his hideout was, she told me I didn’t ask, to which I responded with a punch across the face.  She got carved up with my machete earlier.  She can take it.

I expected to run into some heavy resistance on the way to the hideout, but other than the zombies, there was no one else there!  The Scream fanboys and even the crazed druggies were all gone!  They must’ve known I was on to them and booked it out of here!  I assume the fanboys teleported away with their magic, and the druggies probably had some kind of secret rocket booster built into their jeep!

I swear to god, if they touch my Twinkies, I will have every one of them choke to death on their friend’s intestines!

When we found the computer in his hideout right outside the gun store, it was password-locked.  I tried everything someone like my WEF would use as a password.  “ihatezombies,” “beniciodeltoro,” “franksux,” and even “heinersweinerschnitzeldugan” didn’t work, so I left it to Isabella to guess.

Just then, Jessie called and told me there was something I needed to see on the monitor, so it looks like I’m in for another hike back to HQ.

It’s a good thing I drink so much coffee, otherwise I would have to sleep!

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 3 Part 1

Before I did anything, I needed to arm myself.  I really blew through my guns in the last mission, so I went back to the gun store to refill my arsenal.  That ended up being a lot harder than it sounded though.  Three jerks already beat me to it, and they opened fire on me the second I walked inside!  They hammered me with their guns so hard I think I gained 50 pounds of lead and I had to crawl to the door while I took every blow!

I was barely able to get out of there horribly mangled by constant gunfire, but as soon as I went through the door and left, they asked me if I was okay.  Thinking they had a change of heart, I went back in, whereupon they opened a stream of bullets on me again!  Those mother fuckers!

It wasn’t until the leader approached me we started more peaceful negotiations.  I told them about our HQ they could all hide out in while waiting for the helicopter, but they wanted proof that it existed with a picture of the air duct we’re using to get in.  I slowly approached the counter for some guns to arm myself for the trip, but there must be some line I’m not allowed to cross because they then opened fire on me and chased me out of the store like a scared monkey!  Again!

If I could just grab my guns I would splatter their brains all over the wall!

Even without guns, my task seemed simple enough, if a little tedious, but on the way back to HQ for the picture, I ran into a… complication.

I was fighting the Scream fanboys as usual when one of them threw some kind of white powder at me.  At first I thought it was sneezing powder and they were trying to make me sneeze my brain out, but it was actually some sort of sleeping powder.  Like a narcotic.

As I fell into unconsciousness, I realized what this meant.  There’s only one place they could have gotten such a substance!  The Scream fan club is just a front!  The drug lord I’ve been searching for is that old dude trying to push his drugs on innocent people to make them obey him. Manipulating them through the love of their favorite movie franchise!  He’s the last person I would have suspected!  It’s only a matter of time until I find him and kill him!  Then the evil shall be extinguished.

That eye is looking like one big target.

When I woke up, I found myself in one of the cult’s wooden boxes in a small room filled with Scream fans.  Everything I had on me was taken away and I was left only with my undies.  They even took away my backup anal pistol!  At least they have a sense of decency, but even as I write this, I can’t imagine the horrible, unspeakable things they did to me!  We have an entire group of rapists in the mall!  As if Dr. Polly Wolly Doodle Ump Bump Fizz & G wasn’t enough!  I know I wasn’t awake for it, but I could still feel the pain.  The pain of a thousand tetanus shots!

The only door in the room was locked.  I had no choice but to fight for my life with only what they had lying around their little set-up: A stepladder, a can of beans, and a sword.  I sometimes leave swords lying around too.  The neighbors always bitch at me when I let the kids play with it.

I'd rather not detail what happened next, but let's just say I'll never look at a sphincter the same way again.

They had more than one opportunity to just give me sleep powder again, but I guess they were just too slow!

Once I cleared the room and took a picture of the bodies, I got the password off a slip in one of their pockets and left.  It turns out the room I was in was in the park outside, not too far from Paradise Plaza, which was convenient, but I still had to run across half the mall in my undies while I collected any weapons and food I could.  I was so desperate for weapons I picked up a handbag and started beating back zombies and fanboys with that.  Some of them even tried to take it from me, to which I responded by screaming “That’s mah purse!” and whacking them to death with it.

When I got back to HQ, I took a picture of the duct and changed back to my snazzy clothes while I was there before going back to the gun store.  Nothing beats the drab grey jacket and white T-shirt look.

I got to the store with little trouble, got the three bungholes to come with me, and they even let me take some guns without filling me full of holes.  Right after that is when the shitstorm started.

You see, before showing them the photograph, I had to swat through a mob of Scream fanboys just outside and shut the door behind me because I was unarmed.  Once I was armed, I charged back at the mob screaming “Leeroooooooy!  Jeeenkiiiiins!”, but once again, one of them had sleep powder and they dragged me away.  Those asshats I just rescued not 5 feet away from me just stood there and didn’t do a damn thing while I was being dragged away and raped!

Just like before, I had to kill my offenders and book it back to the gun store in my undies, but when I got back they were all still in the gun store and one of them was dead.  They didn’t even bother looking for me!  And how the hell did one of them die in such safety?!  Did he mistake his pistol for a Pez dispenser?!

I was willing to settle for taking back two of them, but even though they were fully armed, one of them fell behind and got mauled by zombies on the way there!  You snooze, you lose, and you lose, you die.

With only one left, barely alive due to similar zombie maulings, I was extremely protective and managed to keep the zombies off of him; but only the zombies.  Just as I was about to open the door to Paradise Plaza to relative safety, those jackasses driving around the park pancaked the last guy into the wall with their jeep, just barely missing me and getting rid of the last survivor.

I don’t think I’m blaming this one on them as much as I am karma.  At least I had good news for Brad: No one is going to bother us about the gun store anytime soon.

But then I got some bad news (aside from realizing I was in the room in my undies, I mean).  According to Isabella, Carlito said he was going to blow up the mall using bombs in the underground maintenance tunnels and have the explosion cover the entire mall using flammable gas!  What’s worse, the explosion would send horrible grubs into the atmosphere!  Superman would get bugs in his mouth every day, and all the zombie chunks would make a catastrophic mess not even the giant maid from Spaceballs could clean up!

I couldn’t help but wonder what Carlito has to eat to have enough gas to fill the entirety of the maintenance tunnels, but it didn’t matter!  I had to help Superman!

You mean, let ME do it, right?

I thought of an added bonus to this too.  If I could get those bombs before anyone else, I could’ve discreetly blown the shit out of anyone who rubs me the wrong way…. Otis!

But that’s not what happened.  To make a long story slightly less long, I ran to the zombie-filled tunnels and took a motorcycle someone parked outside, since I didn’t want to walk the whole way.  Conveniently someone was dumb enough to leave their keys in it.  But, seconds after I drove it through the entrance, the motorcycle spontaneously fell apart!  What a piece of shit!

I instead took a truck someone parked nearby next to one of the trucks Carlito stored a bomb in, then used that to get to all the other bombs, running over what was at least 1,000 zombies on the way.  Luckily their mushy remains didn’t affect the truck’s performance.  It was almost as fun as running over jaywalkers back home, but not quite.

The entire time my WEF kept trying to ram into me with his truck or blow me up with grenades.  You’d think he’d want to be careful throwing explosives around with his armed bombs in close proximity, but apparently he had one hell of a stockpile in the back seat of his truck and he was going to use it come hell or high water.  It took six or so shotgun bullets to the face for him to get the message that I wanted to be left alone, which he promptly forgot 2 minutes later!  He even blew up my truck at one point, forcing me to go the rest of the way in a sports car.  Surprisingly, the truck didn’t explode.  Movies have lied to me!

Yo!  Move it!  You're blocking traffic!

I think Brad got him, because eventually he just stopped coming.  That meant I was home free!  I put all the bombs in a conveniently-placed shopping cart and rushed them out of the tunnels, but my happiness quickly turned to panic when I realized they were about to go off.

I either have 9 hours, 99 minutes and 99 seconds left... or... HIT THE DECK!

There was an explosion of five bombs just a few feet behind me, but I can still hear and the jacket isn’t even singed!

Good thing I’m indestructible.

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Night 2 Part 2

Before we could get to the interrogation, Isabella first had to wake up.  I guess running through screaming fanboys and gun-toting druggies in a jeep just lulls her right to sleep.  I had a little time, so I used it to go and make some more smoothies in the food court again, which was a lot harder thanks to an overabundance of the Scream fans.

Just how many of these guys are there anyway?  I’ve seen at least 50 so far!  Did they come from outside the mall or do they rapidly asexually reproduce?  I had no idea this movie franchise was so popular!

I think I might have lost more than I left with on that little trip, but nothing ventured, nothing killed.

When she finally woke up, Isabella told us the truth about Santa’s cabeza, one that turned the truth I thought I knew completely on its own cabeza.

Sadly, I didn’t get to see Brad’s signature interrogation method.  After simply asking her for information, she spilled the beans, no doubt because of Brad’s godlike charisma.

She said Santa’s cabeza didn’t have any drugs to trade in it, but rather a research facility experimenting with a special wasp that turns people into zombies, and Dr. Banality was in charge of it!

Is that what those bugs I’ve been swatting were?  I thought killing them just made the zombies in the area subconsciously kill themselves at the horror of a life being extinguished.

"Holy shi-"

When I asked Brad how an entire research facility could fit in Santa’s cabeza, he gave it to me straight and told me the truth about Santa.

NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Santa has nothing to do with anything!  They weren’t talking about his cabeza, they were referring to a town called Santa Cabeza!  I guess it’s a relief that Santa is safe, but all this time everything I’ve deduced has been for nothing!  It took about 10 minutes for me to fully grasp this devastating revelation, during which time Dr. Bumbling Smee busted out of the closet and tried to rape Jesse again!  I knew he was still evil!  I gave him a taste of my sweet roundhouse kick and saved the day.  I’ve been waiting a long time to have an excuse to do that.

I knew this would happen!

I must’ve hit him pretty hard, because he started choking and gasping while telling me about how the government was trying to mass-produce cattle, but ended up turning the cows into zombies.  I didn’t catch the rest.  I was too busy wondering what zombie cow milk would taste like.

He was making some great facial expressions and twitching body movements during his rant though, so I took a picture.  I think the flash gave the guy an epileptic seizure because he squirmed all over the floor and died.  He ceased being useful anyway.

But then, not a few minutes later, he came back as a rotting corpse while Isabella yammered on about how her town was destroyed by the zombie wasps.  I didn’t know zombiefication was so fast!  Brad gave him a rather accurate shot to the head, but I wish he’d warn me better before pointing his gun in my direction.

Faaaantastic!

It seems as though my WEF is rather grumpy at the government for turning his hometown, Santa Cabeza, into a zombie hell then killing everyone in it with a strike force, so now he’s trying to get everyone’s attention by throwing a zombie-filled tantrum.

Talk about being whiny.  It could have been worse.  They could have just nuked Santa Cabeza.  That’s what I would have done if I were president, and if some other country tried to nuke us back I’d intercept their nukes with our nukes in midair.  Yeah there’d be nuclear fallout, but every plan has a downside.

It worked for them.

We also learned that Isabella is a medical technician.  The good news is, that means she can help Jessie.  The bad news is that means we need to cooperate with this annoying bimbo!  Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I don't believe her.  Brad, ask for her credentials.  No?  We're just going to buy that?  Oh okay.

Bored now.  Going exploring.

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Night 2 Part 1

The answer cometh… Finally I am beginning to understand just what the hell is going on in this city, and I am finally starting to get the hang of rescuing other survivors through the art of killing.

I managed to kill the crazed yuppies driving around the park, first by sniping them with my new 30-bullet magazine-armed sniper rifle, then getting up close and personal with my new shotgun, and finishing off the driver with my brilliant guitar playing the only way I know how.  Guitars were just made for smashing and making funny noises, and I’ll never let anyone tell me otherwise!  As a reward, I helped myself to their mounted machine gun, which helped me mow down many a zombie.

Busy Otis!

But…

Even though I filled their skulls with shotgun shells, sniper bullets and guitar strings, as well as saw their limp, dead bodies in the car and checked their pulse, the next time I went outside, they were good as new, riding around in their jeep with a brand new machine gun, blaring their awful music.  What the flying fu-

These were no ordinary drug addicts, and they weren’t taking ordinary drugs.  They must’ve taken a drug that resurrects them after death!  The same one used by that Wesker guy!  This could revolutionize medicine!  It’s the scoop of the century!  Too bad they’re annoying poopheads who need to die, otherwise I’d take them in for questioning.

Anyway, even after killing the punks the first time I had time before I had to meet with Isabella.  I got a notification from Otis that there were two survivors back at the entrance plaza, so I loaded up on orange juice shakes in the food court and got ready.

It’s a good thing I did, because as soon as I came in, some inconsiderate man and his two kids tried to snipe me!  There was a wimpy one, a jerk one, and the older one that must be related to the machete man because I swear they sound exactly the same.

There was some fatso hiding out in the cosmetics shop nearby, but try as I might, I couldn’t get him to leave because he was afraid of getting shot by the snipers.

I gave it to him straight: “Well boo freakin-hoo fatass!  The least you could do is help me out and block the bullets with your blubber, but apparently that would require too much effort!”

I was in it alone.

The wimpy sniper went down first.  I showed him who the man was by countering his tiny little sniper rifle with my giant phallic uber-gun from the jeep!  I almost feel bad for gunning him into paste, because, of the three, he seemed the most hesitant.  On the other hand, he shot at me.  As Ghandi once said, “An eye for an eye leaves everyone equal.”

To protect myself from the other two snipers, I took cover in the nearby antique shop, where the other stubborn survivor was hiding out.  We stood there for a good long while, going back and forth while I tried to get him to come with me without slapping him across the face, but he just!  Wouldn’t!  Come!  And while I was yammering with him, I got shot.  Shot, but not sniped.

I turned around and saw that the oldest of the snipers came right into the shop for a close-up shot.  He seemed to have forgotten that sniper rifles were made for sniping, a mistake that cost him his life.  I quickly picked up a battle axe from a nearby stand, and rather than run away, the sniper ran around the store like a scared chicken while I chopped him into itty bitty pieces.  If he sucked so much at close range, why did he come into the shop?  I can only assume he wanted a close-up view of the beautiful antiques too.  That axe got him as close as he could get, so at least he died happy.  To remember this man’s humiliating defeat, I took a picture of his corpse.  I call it “The dumbass.”

Right after brutally murdering his dad, I spotted the last kid watching through the shop’s window just outside.

You want a turn?

He ran, but didn’t get far.  Unlike him, I’ve really been getting my cardio in the last few days.  He got the axe too.  This place had better have a damn good janitor, because I made a huge mess in the shoe store.

With our assaulters dead, I spent another 5 minutes getting the old fart to come with me and got the fatass out of the cosmetics shop.  I barely managed to get them back to the HQ, partly because the entrance plaza is pretty close to HQ, but they were some of the most pathetic life forms I’ve ever seen!  The old man had to stop to take a breather every 5 seconds and fatass couldn’t outrun a crawling baby with no legs!  I had to carry the old jerk halfway there!  They’re lucky we need them or I’d just leave them for dead!  I don’t even know how they survived before I got there considering the first rule of zombie survival!

While dropping the morons off I got an update from Jesse and Brad.  Finally, FINALLY I learned just what happened to Santa’s cabeza and what it had to do with all this.

The drug lords were using Santa’s cabeza as a stronghold for their drugs, and Dr. Barn Tree believes that the drugs created the zombies, and they spread it around the city to try and kill the doc, who was researching them.

At first I thought that someone just spread a bunch of zombie drugs around Willamette, but now I’ve figured it out.

The drug lords shoved their drugs into Santa’s ears and nose while he was sleeping to store them in his cabeza.  Then they set it up so that some of the zombie-making drugs dropped out of his cabeza and into Willamette while he was traveling the world to deal with his toy business!  And if those drugs turned Santa into a zombie that means he is the zombie Santa voiced by Gilbert Gottfreid!

Aye aye Dr. Charmy the Bee!

But if it was the drug lords that did it, and Isabela said I created the zombies, does that mean I’m a drug lord?!  Have I been searching for myself all this time?!  How did I lose my memories?  I needed the truth.  In the meantime I’ll just blame this whole thing on my WEF and leave it at that.

I left to meet Isabela around midnight, but contrary to what she promised, she did not bring Carlito.  I was waiting at the meeting place, but the only thing she brought in with her was a zombie attacking her.  I didn’t want no zombie!  I wanted Carlito!

They both laid there on the ground while the zombie munched on her, but I didn't help.  She did not bring me what I wanted.  She had to pay.

Then I realized if she died, I’d never find Carlito, so I gave the zombie a bonk on the head and saved her, at least from the zombie.

In addition to the many many teeth marks she had just gotten, Isabella had a huge wound on her arm.  I jokingly asked if she was bitten, but she didn’t laugh.  Apparently Carlito shot her because now he doesn’t trust anyone.  She insisted he didn’t mean to though.  Just like how I didn’t mean to shoot that wimpy sniper kid with my H.U.G.E.

I tried pouring some of my orange juice on the wound to see if it would heal, but like with Brad, the blessed food and drinks didn’t have any effect on them, and all she did was scream and kick.  It’s as if they all only work for me, but why?

I'm going to have to carry her, aren't I.

Somehow getting shot in the arm gave Isabella a horrible limp in her leg, so unless I wanted to stay up all night waiting for her, I was left with no choice but to carry her all the way back to HQ on piggy back!  She weighed a ton too!  What the hell does this bitch eat?  Cement instead of mashed potatoes and bricks instead of brownies?!

And of course that meant I had to carry her through all the zombies, angry Scream fanboys, and the rescurrected convicts, one of whom I swear was taunting me.  I also heard Carlito on the intercom telling Isabella to come back and help him.  I hope I find where he sent that from so I can use it to announce that “Carlito eats shit!”

Miraculously I was able to completely avoid everything trying to kill me for almost the entire trip, because I am just too damn good.  I turned the bitch over to Jesse and Brad, explained the situation and now she’s in DHS custody.  I don’t think Brad really cared until I mentioned that the person who shot her was the same one who shot him.

Now it's personal.

I hope we’ll get to the questioning soon.  I’m a big fan of Brad’s method.

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 2 Part 3

Today I finally got somewhere.  I am just hours away from finally learning the secret of Santa’s cabeza.

It all started in the staff room after I finally rescued someone for the first time in a full day.  I was looking at one of my old photos of the time I fought a giant stone sphere monster with Japanese costumed superheroes.  Brad thought it was a picture from some Halloween party and didn’t believe my story.

Your time will come Brad…

Anyway, I finally found that girl on the monitor.  She parked her motorcycle just outside the grocery store in the North Plaza, presumably to vandalize it again.  Of course, that meant I had to hike all the way back there after already having to hike all the way back to the staff room.  I could have just waited for Otis to tell me where she was and head there, but Otis isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.  Imagine what would happen if we had him fight the zombie hordes.

I caught up with the girl just as she was coming out of the store, but she seemed really hostile toward me.  I tried to lighten up the atmosphere with a funny internet reference, but she just tried to run me over!

It’s a good thing she tried to kill me with her vehicle instead of escape with it, otherwise I couldn’t have slashed her to death with my machete.  Surprisingly, it didn’t leave a single scar on her skin.

She tried to run and even kicked me in the junk (thank goodness for my balls of steel), but I managed to tackler her down and convince her that I didn’t want to hurt her.  I only wanted to talk.

You dirty bi- I mean...

Does this look like the face of a man who would hurt you, you groin-kicking bitch?!

I slashed her to ribbons with my machete seconds earlier, but that doesn’t count!  I needed to know just what happened to Santa’s cabeza!  She asked me a bunch of questions, but I was the one asking them.

Unfortunately all she told me was that I created the zombies, and that the zombies are some sort of message from the one with all the answers I’m looking for: her brother and my WEF, Carlito.

The zombies are a message from Carlito?  Does he really distrust UPS that much?

As if being a Vietnamese sleeper agent wasn’t shocking enough, now I’m being held responsible for turning thousands of people into zombies!  I don’t remember doing anything like that!  Did I have my memories erased?  What is going on?!

I guess I’ll find out at midnight tonight, because the girl, Isabela,  is going to bring Carlito to me.  Apparently he's injured, and I guess someone pissed on his cupcakes, because Isabela said she was also in a bad mood.  That won't be a problem.  When I’m done questioning him, he will pay for what he did for that zombie with his life!

But having until midnight gave me plenty of time, and zombies, to kill, so I went exploring and came across a gun shop in a secluded little corner of the plaza.  Finally I could use something long-range!  Or so I thought.

When I entered the seemingly-empty shop, a man instantly materialized out of nowhere and told the redneck shopkeeper that we need guns to survive.  I have two theories as to how this man suddenly appeared in the gun store: he’s from the Starship Enterprise or is a Power Ranger.

But redneck Billy Bob didn’t trust the Power Rangers, and told us both that if we got closer, he’d blow us to kingdom come with his mighty boomstick.

Then the Power Ranger got closer and was blown to kingdom come with his mighty boomstick.  Alas, regular guns were always a weakness of theirs.

Those boomsticks have some amazing force.  And that was from 10 feet away!

That monster killed a Power Ranger!  And he probably helped make Calvin Tucker’s Redneck Jamboree too!  He couldn’t be allowed to live, and on top of that, I really wanted to loot the store, so I gave him a taste of my American machete too, between rounds of hiding behind his bulletproof stands until he reloaded, of course.  Again, I have been to Texas.  I'm used to this.  It reminds me of a movie: Machete Kills!

Caught him drinking on the job too.  I'm telling Mr. Heston!

When he finally had enough, the redneck ran outside in fear, calling me crazy and homicidal.  Not two steps outside, a zombie attacked him and pinned him down.  I could have helped, but he called me crazy.  Nobody insults me and lives!  I am not crazy!

Om nom nom.  Om nom.  Engineer is delicious!

 That reminds me of something thought-provoking.

Now that I have the gun store all to myself, I’m ready to lock, load and take care of some annoying druggies.  But first I need to stop confusing my guns with my baguettes.

King of Fighters 97 iPhone Review

There’s an interesting story behind this article.  I used to be a big reader of Nintendo Power, and many of their writers are big inspirations to me, so of course, once I made a Twitter account, I started following them on Twitter.  It turns out that Cody Martin, one of NP’s writers and interns, is now working for a PR company that has done work for SNK, and since they had some spare review codes for iOS version of The King of Fighters ’97, he gave me one.  I appreciate it Cody.

Wow.  My first review copy.  So this is what it feels like.  Yes it's not much, but being my first ever, I feel it’s my responsibility to write about it, even if there isn’t that much to say now.

The question when looking over this iOS port isn’t whether or not The King of Fighters ’97 is a good game or not.  I already went over that in my King ofFighters retrospective.  It’s a solid entry in the franchise and worth playing for its great storyline-closing finale with three different boss fights, one of which has two variations.  It also has a strong character count, including all but one of the bosses (which are all unlocked from the start in the iPhone version).

The question here is whether or not it made the transition to the iOS properly.  As much as I'd like to say otherwise, the only answer I can give is an unsure “maybe.”

Presentation-wise, there isn’t a problem.  Maybe it’s because I played on a smaller screen, but the excellent pixel art looks better than ever thanks to some video filtering (which can be turned on or off) and HD display.  The music too, despite being on little iPhone speakers, sound perfect as well, although the option for using the arranged tracks would have been appreciated.

The controls are the major deciding factor here, and, predictably, it plays essentially the same way as King of Fighters i.  Everything is done with a joystick and buttons on the touch screen, with the pause button being under the timer.

In addition to the normal punch and kick buttons, the iOS version of ’97 gives the option of a dodge button, a knockdown attack button (both also done in the Orochi Saga collection), and a special button.  The special button is for the newbies.  Like other simplified controls seen in games like Tatsunoko vs. Capcom, the special button allows special attacks to be executed by simply pressing it while the control stick is in a certain direction, and by holding it down, characters can use their super special move.
Notice that I referred to the super special move singularly.

One of the biggest downsides to this port is that every character has only one super special move, as opposed to the original where everyone has at least two.  A few regular special moves were cut as well.  I don’t understand why this was done.  They could have easily had each character be able to use one super special with the simplified controls while the advanced players could use their quarter and half circles to use the other ones.  At the very least they could have let players choose which super special move to take in the battle.  I'm not all that big a fan of Kyo's Serpent Wave Slash.

My other big issue is the controls, but the reason my previously-mentioned answer is only a “maybe” is because I feel that may not be a problem for others.  All the touch screen controls can be moved and adjusted in size, but even at the biggest sizes my fingers were too fat to be pressing those tiny buttons accurately.  The joystick gave me trouble too.  My hand kept slipping off its boundaries, which forced me to move my thumb in wider arcs that weren’t fast enough to keep up with the combat.

"Ippen shindekoi!"

As I stated though, I think that may not be an issue for others.  I played this version of King of Fighters ’97 on my sister’s iPhone, which means I was not only not an iPhone gamer, but I was playing on a tiny screen, so my thumb took up a fourth of it.  Maybe the game works a lot better on a bigger screen like an iPad, maybe the control stick would work better with those joysticks you put on your screen you can buy at electronic stores, and maybe regular iPhone players can use the touch screen controls better than I can.

Either way, with the cut super moves in this version, the other versions of the game you can get are objectively superior unless you really want to get into the online multiplayer (with social media compatibility, natch).  If you want your King of Fighters on the go and you loved KOFi 2012 or play on your iOS regularly, this port should give you a fair amount of enjoyment on those long trips (it is King of Fighters, after all), but if you already have the game on the Orochi Saga collection or Virtual Console, you aren’t missing much.

I’m not going to give this one a review score simply because I feel it’s a bit too far out of my comfort zone, but I hope this review informs readers enough to make their own decision on it.

Now will you please let us download KOF 2000-2003 somewhere SNK?

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Day 2 Part 2

I stood around watching the monitors for about 5 seconds before I got bored.  I had things to do, so I had Otis watch the monitors for me.  He had told me about some man with a machete in the hardware store, so I made investigating that my next mission.  I have all sorts of strong blades to use, but what could be more honorable than using the weapon of the great master Voorhees?

I had to hike to the north plaza again, but it didn’t take long this time.  I made a shake combining my two favorite things to get ready: wine and pie.  When I drank the mixture, my entire body accelerated, my legs moved at an incredible speed and I zoomed across the park and outran the jeep-drivers.  Once the effects of the serum wore off though, I felt depressed, as though I would never run that fast again.

It seems the mixture of pie and wine became a substitute for cocaine!  That explains how the drug lords were able to smuggle it!  They didn’t!  All they had to do was order lots of wine and pies, then put them in a blender once they were dropped off!  This is a breakthrough in the case!  All the authorities need to know (except for Brad and Jessie, because they’d arrest me for possession), and that is all the more motivation to get out of here!

I noticed a lot of purple posters pasted throughout the North Plaza, each decorated with some sort of eye on it.  Optometry must be booming around here with all the red eye the zombies get.

Surprisingly, the hardware store the machete man was supposed to be in was zombie-free.  The only zombies in there were hanging up on the ceiling strung up by their ankles and decapitated, getting blood all over the floor.  Someone had already done my job for me.

Suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere, the man himself demanded my name and rank.  I needed a moment to remember my name and rank in the Kiss army, but he took that pause a different way and said that I couldn’t remember because I was Viet-Kong!

Mere words cannot express the shock I felt in that very moment.  Was I really Vietnamese?  Was I a sleeper agent for the Viet-Kong with my memories altered through mind manipulation?  Who was to say I was really Frank West?  Would my Vietnamese superiors execute me if I didn’t execute my mission?  What was my mission?  I made an educated guess that fighting Americans took top priority and attacked him.

Also, the man said that I was going to tell him where gorillas were hiding out, and that he was going to beat the information out of me.  He may have been American, but I respected his journalistic values.  I, however, was fighting for what I thought was my own country.

“Aye ahm going to FAWK yu ahp!”

He fought dirty, that’s for sure.  He spent a lot of our fight hiding around the store, trying to sneak attack me and toss smoke bombs on top of the aisles to distract me.  What’s more, he kept fast-traveling around the store using his own personal series of tunnels under trapdoors.  I would have followed him through them, but he projected some kind of force field that wouldn’t let me go in.  I took a picture of him in the act though, thinking I could use the picture as evidence of American tactics for my superiors.

I'm telling!

He got the drop on me a couple of times and managed to completely impale me so deeply I could see the end of the blade coming out my front.  Luckily he missed my vitals.  Twice.

This is worse than the time I scraped my knee!

It’s a good thing he chose to do all this in the hardware store.  It has all manner of weapons to kill him with.  It was just like the ad said!  It had allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping… Well, you know.

I broke the chainsaw I got from that clown in the fight, but he didn’t last long after that.  I thought I had won the day for communism, but I was sadly mistaken.

Right before he died, the machete man told me that his daughter was eaten and he thought he was still in the war, meaning that I’m not a sleeper agent after all.  It almost makes me regret mashing him into a pulp, but I came out of the ordeal with some value.

All that was in his wallet was a key and a picture of his family, both of which were worthless, but I did get his machete, which I don’t think he’ll need anymore.  I had tried looking around the store to see where they kept the machetes during the fight, but he must’ve gotten the last one.

That your brother?  He's got a nice 'stache.  He's like Mario... Wait, if he's Mario, are you Luigi?  Did I just kill Luigi?!  Did Luigi fight in 'nam?

I need to be more aware of my surroundings though.  As soon as I looked up, after only a couple of minutes, the entire store was swarming with zombies.  These things are FAST!  I thought I heard someone screaming for help, but after avoiding zombies to look around the store for the source, I just left.  I’m hearing the voices again!

Having done what I came to do, I set out to go stake out the monitors again.  It was on the way there that I ran into… Them.

"Behold!  I got this 50% off at Medieval Times!"

A group of dudes in raincoats were gathered around a wooden box they slipped a woman in while an old dude (the leader, apparently) gave them a lecture about how they can save themselves from the apocalypse by purging tainted blood or some poop.  I didn’t realize there were so many other survivors.

"Probably because we keep killing people, but..."

The old dude was presumably going to drive the sword down on the box and kill the woman inside, which doesn’t seem like purging so much as it does killing, but who am I to question someone else’s religion?  I was ready to take a great picture of the sword skewering the crate, with blood shooting out the cracks, but he stopped when he noticed me, no doubt because of my flashy, blinding good looks.

When I caught everyone’s attention I got a good look at their faces.  They were all wearing rather familiar-looking green masks.

They must've been out of white ones at the party shop.

I had stumbled upon the dreaded Scream fanclub, where everyone wears a Ghost Face mask and carries a knife around.  The leader told the guys in the mask that I had to be purged too, either for not liking the Scream movies (“non-believer”) or having tainted blood.  Considering I drank half a gallon of cocaine earlier, my blood probably wouldn’t pass their drug test.  The leader must’ve seen it with his blood-analyzing x-ray vision.  A useful ability, I’m sure.

I can’t deny I never really liked the Scream movies very much either.  The only thing I worship is our lord and savior: Mormon Jesus.

Suddenly the leader vanished into thin air and the fan club members around the crate multiplied!  Apparently worshipping Scream grants you the powers of sorcery!  I was all ready to join right then and there, but applications must be closed because all the members just attacked me.

Using my cunning intellect, I defeated the lot of them by shuffle dancing to the Mormon Jesus song, throwing them off-guard before suddenly saying “hammer time!” and slamming the fudge out of them with a hammer I picked up at the hardware store.

They didn’t go down without a fight.  In addition to their knives, they were all carrying their own sticks of dynamite too!  Only they didn’t throw their explosives.  They tried to blown them up in my face for a kamikaze attack!  These are some of the most dedicated fans I’ve ever seen.  They’re willing to die for their cause!  I can’t help but admire that.

The best part is I saved the woman in the crate!  I was able to escort her all the way back to the security room without accidentally killing her!  I honest to god rescued someone!  It’s a miracle!  That makes three people for our rations!  We’re going to eat like kings!

But now I have a bunch of angry fanboys around the mall trying to kill me in addition to the zombies.  Also I think they killed Kent, because I haven't seen him since his challenge.  Sometimes life just hates you.