Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 2

I have met the other nations: France, China and Russia.  I don’t know who those other guys are, but I like Russia.  Russia is the best.  They know how to run a country.  They already made a big telescope in space and they have uranium.  You know what uranium is, right?  It’s this thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including bad things.  But Russia is good and they will not be bad.

[Images such as these are from Twitter account @PresVillain.]

We hit it off.  We exchanged embassies and they asked for some sugar and we helped each other out.  I think we’re going to be best friends.

But then that woo bitch from China kept asking for stuff like sugar and embassies.  I of course told her to go to hell!  I have better things to do than to have some bitch pester me about giving them my country’s resources!  If I gave her that sugar, my people would be sugar-less!  Saltines would cease production and my cocaine would have even less taste!

There’s this new thing called World Congress now.  Apparently you tell everyone what to do and they have to do it after a few turns!  So I told everyone to embargo Brazil!  They have done nothing but make me look bad!  They have insulted me, they put out border patrol when I already have it covered and when I told them I wanted to be friends, they refused!  They will be friends with England, but not with me!  I didn't do anything to them!

Fake news fake news fake news!

Brazil should not be trusted or traded with!  Neither should England, but I could only choose one and I think I can get her to cooperate.  With women you can do whatever you want.

It turns out the other guys have to vote to do what you want!  But nobody wanted it!  Russia and England voted against it!  I want those Brazil bastards punished, but if Russia is ok with it then I am happy to oblige.

Because I am a prosperous nation I have made sure to make me as much money as I possibly can.  No city will not have a stock market or bank.  While I’m doing that I keep seeing that apparently everyone is doing projects to make Manhattan!  If anyone should be making Manhattan it should be the president of the United States!  And that’s me!  Everyone seems to be making Manhattan except me!  So I did.  I took a settler and went out to make Manhattan.  That German asshole said he didn’t like it, but fuck him!  I make more cities where I want!  The more cities you have the better so I made two more too!

Fuck you!  I can do whatever I want!

Pretty soon there were a lot of mean words going around.  Germany insulted Brazil, England insulted France and I got three different people insulting me!  Even Russia!  Russia has always been my friend and they told me to go fuck myself!  I’m sure they had very good reasons for doing so, but that is still very rude.

The French guy asked if I would go war on England, but I want to make one thing clear: the French are not my friend!  I do not make war because of some short little foreigner with tiny hands!  You should see them.  I bet he can't even hold a volleyball because his hands are so tiny.  Not like mine.  I have big hands!  Some of the biggest you'll ever see!  I don't care what the fake news says!  My hands are huge!  They're huge goddamnit!  My hands are so big I can jerk off Putin's giant dick and that thing is very big!  Not that I would know.  I'm not gay.  I'm not gay!  Are you reading this Pence?  I'm not gay!

This little tiny-hands has done nothing to help me and I have seen his kind in that one show I used to watch.  Hammerman, I think it was called.  His music is terrible!  I made a music guild to show him what music should really be.  In my music guild, all we’re going to play is good music like William Hung!  These nations don’t know anything about being American!  Being American means you do what I say!

You're just jealous that I'm smarter than you!