Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 1

[Disclaimer: This series of articles is satirical and is not written by nor represents Donald Trump nor anyone who represents him or any other political party.]

Hello my fellow Americans.  My name is Donald Trump.  For several months now I have been one of the best presidents this nation has ever had.  The people love me and we’ve had a smooth transfer to a better age.  I bet you didn’t know that I also play games.

I like a lot of the games you probably do, like Call of Juarez: The Cartel and Army of Two, but in between signing papers I’ve been playing a lot of Civilization 5, a game made for the best leaders like me.  I like sharing my thoughts because they’re the ones that matter most so I made a game and will be sharing what happens.

I have the mind of the world’s best leaders

and the skills of its best game players.

Let’s get this started and make America great!

I made the map a large continent one.  I of course chose to lead America.  It tried to make me call myself some other washing machine guy, but I’m smarter than that!  I made all the other civilizations ones I know.  The ones that were good enough to survive to this day!  I was informed that Twitter is an invention of the modern day, so that’s the era I started in.  I don’t know about difficulty, but I chose the one that caught my eye: Warlord.  It’s my two favorite words in one!  It was the only right choice.

Right off the bat I made a luxurious nation and was sure to choose the most American ideology available: Autocracy.  They listed freedom as an option too.  Freedom is the worst ideology possible!  With freedom you give foreigners the opportunity to jeapordize your stability!  We shouldn’t even call ourselves the United States!  The states aren’t united with me!  They’re trying to stop me from making America great again!  This is a land of the people!  The people elected me!  We should start calling ourselves the People’s Republic of America!

I made sure to build one of my hotels and every luxury I could in every city.  I even found El Dorito!  In almost no time at all I had discovered a city of chips and built an empire around it!  We have money and we have an army to protect ourselves from foreign threats!  That is the number one priority of any nation!

I soon found Brazil, Germany, England and a little city named after that detective guy, Colombo I think, all taking up land on my continent!  None of them chose autocracy!  Their incompetence will destroy their civilizations!  I told them that I was there first and they have no right to my land and they spat in my face!

So I told them all to go to hell and even built another city specifically named “Fuck You City”!  I asked them nicely to keep out and they ignored me!  They are not to be trusted and I made that clear to all of them!

Then later all three of them publicly denounced me!  I did nothing to them and all three of them are such sore, jealous losers that they insult me in spite!  Sad!

Fuck you!  I was here first!  It's my land!  You're the plague!

Colombo liked me at least.  I just had to rig their election.  You cannot win anything without rigging an election so just do it, especially if the country is being run by morons!  If the FBI in real life weren’t so incompetent, I wouldn’t have needed Putin's help!

I lived peacefully with Colombo just a few spaces south of my border on the coastline, but I began to notice that they were making weapons.  Not just guns, but mortars and gatling guns!  They were preparing for an assault!  I didn’t waste any time and destroyed this foreign threat before it could threaten my great nation!  That queen lady complained even though I didn’t do anything to her!  She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut!  That is disrespectful!  It’s not my fault they didn’t have a stronger military!

Where is the "fuck off you dirty bitch" option?

Since I knew Colombo was trying to enter my country I was smart enough to build a wall in every city while liberating them.  Walls are the most important thing a city can have!  I look at Berlin and I see one of the best walls in the world.  Everyone loves walls.

I wanted to burn the place to the ground to make sure the bad hombres died, but the stupid game won’t let me!  What the hell is this?!  I wanted to get rid of a problem and all it lets me do is let it live!  Foreign threats will not let us live!  We must get them before they can get us!  I will find a way to destroy it!  I didn’t make it!  It’s not mine!  I don’t care what the game says!