Thursday, October 19, 2017

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 4

With the war against the terrorist threat of Germany ongoing, I have put all our country has into military spending!  We need to be protected from all foreign threats and for that I have made every single one of our increasing number of cities focus soley on money and production.  They are the most important thing in my America!  Fuck your health care!  Fuck those ingrates that want food and water!  Fuck those ungrateful alt-leftists!  As long as I’m alive this country will be safe in my hands!  They can all die!

My approval ratings are at an all-time high after that.  I’ve gotten 15 super happy red faces!  That’s more than I’ve gotten in the whole game!  I’m good at war.  I’ve had a lot of wars of my own.  I’m really good at war.  I love war, in a certain way, but only when we win.


But after all I’ve done for the country there have been people coming out of my cities and breaking down all I have worked hard to build!  Rude!  The game tells me they’re rebels, but these people are not from my happy cities!  Nobody who would betray me is from my country!  Germany has been hiring these “rebels” to make me look bad!  I will not stand for it!  They need to die as quickly as possible!  Once Germany is gone I can be happy and have my nuclear weapons back!

I’ve been making sure to spend all my money on tanks and rockets and giant robots.  I can't use my uranium on nuclear weapons, but I can on robots.  I am going to covefe his country in giant robots and get one of my favorite cities in the world.  Berlin.  I’ve always wanted that wall they have.  It’s the best wall for keeping out threats and stuff.  I love that wall.  If I can get Berlin, I can have the wall!  And I won’t ruin it like they did!


Mister spearhead tries to plead for me to stop, but he made his choice!  He has insulted my country and I will not stop until he is wiped out!  Death to Germany!  Make America great again!  It’s a matter of national security!  White power white power!

If anyone ever tried to take away my nuclear weapons in real life I would bomb the shit out of them!  I’d just bomb those suckers!  I’d blow up the pipes, I’d blow up the refineries, I’d blow up every single inch!  There would be nothing left!


I tried to get the local city state to join my just cause, but they called me a bloodthirsty tyrant!  A bloodthirsty tyrant is what they called me!  Very rude!  I am an inspirational leader of the biggest nation in the world!  They won’t be saying that once I have my nuclear missiles!  Then they will know I am good!


The next thing I knew everyone was declaring war on Germany.  It started with Brazil, then France, then Russia and England!  They may say mean things, but they all love me, especially Russia.  They still won’t officially call me one, but they’re my closest ally.  They let a stray soldier into their borders from a rampaging squad of barbarians for some gold, salt and marble.  They even gave me lots of stuff and all I had to do was vote them for world leader.  Anything for my comrades.

No comments:

Post a Comment