Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 3

The threat of barbarians has gotten worse.  They are coming through our borders, they are raping our women and they need to be stopped!  No matter how much military I get, there seems to be no end to them.  I am almost certain these barbarians are colluding with a foreign government!  I’ve had spies stationed in almost every country to look for proof and they are very helpful.  The FBI can learn a thing or two from them!  My spies are loyal!  I demand absolute loyalty!  That is why these spies deliver, because they’re loyal.  I didn’t bother sending any to Russia though.  Russia can be trusted.  We can’t make our spies look at Russia.  That investigation must be stopped!  Russia has not done anything wrong!

Anyway, there’s been a lot of words being thrown, but ultimately friendships are being made.  Russia even made friends with England because of me.  I’m glad to be contributing to worldwide friendship.  I’ve always considered England to be bad, but if Russia trusts them I may reconsider.  I got settlers over near Russia so we can be friends.  One of them got too close to barbarians and I had to build the city next to Brazil on the coastline.  If Pedro doesn’t like it, too bad.  I am the president!  I have power and I can do whatever I want!  As Andrew Jackson once said, “when the president does it that means that it is not illegal!”

As I was playing some notification came up saying how literate all the countries are.  I’m told that it means how good you are at reading and riting, in which case this game is broken!  It says that America is the least literal nation!  That is a lie!  We are a nation of the smartest minds and our litercy is unpresidented!

Fake news!  Fake news!  Fake news!  Fake news!

We’re so smart my scientists discovered the satellite.  I can see the entire world and I think it means I can communicate with my followers through Twitter.  I’m very popular you know.  I’m getting jolly red smiley faces.  It’s just like in real life.  Just the other day I was having to beat off a guy with a stick just because he wouldn’t keep telling me how amazing I am.

So everyone’s getting along and making friends except with me until that Bitch mark German jerk tried to call some kind of limit to nuclear weapons!  What bullshit!  If we have these weapons, why not use them?  I mean I don’t, but we do in real life and I know from experience that we must be ready to fire them!  I voted no with every single point I could, but everyone else voted yes!  Especially Germany and France!  So I told them to go fuck themselves!  I want my nuclear weapons!  They can’t take them away from me!

Of course I worked to reverse that.  The time came to select someone to lead the world.  Naturally I’m the best fit.  I am the smartest, peacefullest leader this world has ever seen, so of course I chose myself.  Who else was I going to choose?

The results came in and everyone elected Germany!  That fucking piece of shit was chosen as the world leader!  That is bullshit!  It is a disgrace and a lie!  The game tried to tell me I lost, but that is bullshit!  Fuck you!  Fake news!  FAKE NEWS!  That bastard is not the leader of the world!  I am!  Me!  Donald J. Trump!  I’m not going to stop playing!  He has not won!  THIS MEANS WAR!  Though I appreciate Germany’s past endeavors in World War II, this is one thing I cannot tolerate!  I will bring him down and make America great again!  They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen!