Sunday, May 11, 2014

Shonen Otaku: Ayes Aturnee

My previous post griping about Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies put a thought into my head.  If I'm figuring things out long before the lawyers are, does that make me a better lawyer?  After all, I can be a master of debates when it comes to actual arguments, and I can spout pop culture references with the best of them.  What if I were to be the Ace Attorney instead of Phoenix Wright?  I'd be one of the most famous people in the world.  I can just picture the headlines now...

The Somewhere Herald-May 2014

Since entering the courtroom in 2007, the Shonen Otaku (better known as SO) gained a strong reputation in the legal world.  SO often got the job done, but only through his own strange means did he prove the innocence of his clients.

He has been held in contempt of court a great many times and many people have died getting in his way, but he was always in pursuit of doing the right thing.
In his memory, I, Spark Brushel, have composed this list of SO’s most infamous quirks and acts of unorthodox behavior.  May he forever live on in our hearts.

  • When SO found an inconsistency between the evidence and his young client’s testimony, SO objected by telling her “That’s a dirty lie you bitch!”
"Themis Legal Academy is clearly a university!  Tell the truth!"
  • During the cross-examination of Space Station Director Yuri Cosmos, SO asked the man if he was associated with the Kyokugen school of karate, whether he enjoys girl-on-girl pornography and whether he commonly provides little boy voices.  Cosmos only affirmed one of them.
  • SO brought a bottle of Cherry Coke and an insulin pen to every trial.  When offered coffee by prosecutor Godot, SO took one sip and then threw the coffee in his face, proclaiming “The hell is this swill?!”
  • Once, after successfully winning his case, SO celebrated by pounding the table and starting a rave.

  • When a murder weapon wasn’t found, SO proposed that ki was used and demonstrated when asked what he meant by shooting a ball of energy at prosecutor Payne.
  • When one witness, Florent L’Belle, tore apart an important piece of evidence in front of him, SO proceeded to interrogate him while jabbing him through the skin.  L’Belle quickly admitted to the murder at hand.
  • On more than one occasion SO has accused a witness of murder by claiming that he “saw him do it in the opening.”
  • When witness testimony appeared to clearly show that SO’s client brutally stabbed the victim of his case, SO explained that the person seen was actually a vampire in disguise that had been masquerading as the defendant for the last few days.  Surprisingly, he was right and eventually got the vampire to remove his disguise.
"You thought it would be Lana Skye!  But it was really me, Dio!"
  • Perhaps by coincidence, most witnesses that committed perjury in trials involving SO were later attacked and hospitalized.  There was a rumor SO may have been behind them, but nothing was confirmed.
  • SO lashed out at the judge several times over his career, at one point even telling him to “Shut the hell up, I didn’t ask you a goddamn thing!”  When prosecutor Edgeworth objected, SO threw his empty Cherry Coke bottle at him.
  • Some time after his courtroom debut, SO began to request every witness to take a lie detector test.  However, resources did not always permit one.
  • When prosecutor Edgeworth had the upper hand in one case, SO gave him a sheet of paper and asked Edgeworth to read it aloud.  Immediately afterward, Edgeworth disappeared and was found bound and gagged 2 months later.
"It says... Candle Jack."
  • On that subject, SO was supposedly personally trained in law by world-renowned super hero Freakazoid, which may explain his rather unusual courtroom behavior.
  • SO's psychiatrists describe him as having been "A well of chaos, sadness, obsession and mental decay.  And shonen anime."

  • SO had a history of provoking the prosecution by speaking Japanese.  When he attempted to do so on prosecutor Simon Blackquill, SO was asked “えいごではなしてください。
  • After Blackquill cut a feather in midair inches from SO’s face, SO simply responded with “I can do that too.  Nanto koshuuken ougi!  Hakushu koshi!”  SO then thrusted his hand forward as Blackquill began to bleed and was later treated in the hospital for a deep stab wound.
  • SO once called a teddy bear to the stand under the pretense that the bear was present when the murder was committed.  When SO asked the bear who the person he saw was, he panicked and began to yell at the judge and jury, screaming “That’s a lie!  It’s a damn dirty lie!  It wasn’t me!”
"... Is the defense quite all right?" 
  • When three suspects supposedly all admitted to their guilt at the same time for the same crime, SO confusingly yelled “I’m Spartacus!”
  • When a witness testified that they were at home playing Assassin’s Creed, SO asked him if Ubisoft was a good company.  When the witness answered yes, SO immediately pointed out the contradiction and asserted that the witness was not to be trusted.
  • In the Ripper murder case, prosecutor Von Karma deduced that all the murder victims were actually blown apart from the inside using a special mental code implanted while the victims were in cyber space, and that the only person with the expertise to perform such an incredible feat was SO’s client, who was conducting experiments with a similar concept.
In response, SO told her anyone can do it.  He then asked the jury if anyone smoked and asked the one person that raised his hand to step forward.  After a tense moment of silence, SO suddenly jammed his thumbs into the man’s head.

The court seemed ready to start panicking, but right after SO took his thumbs out, the man seemed normal.

“Your honor,” SO said.  “I will now demonstrate that anyone can make a man explode with a time delay!”

No sooner did SO dive behind his bench did the man explode in a shower of blood and guts all over the courtroom.  His lung chunks were noticeably black.

Unfortunately for him, SO implicated himself for the man’s murder by doing so and was placed under arrest.  He would later reverse his claim and instead claim the man exploded by coincidence.  With that, however, the prosecution’s previous claim was upheld, leading to SO’s client’s guilty verdict.

Boy was that a scoop!
  • After calling his client, a whale, to testify, SO conversed with it by screeching and clicking.  The discussion ended when SO shouted “go to hell!”
  • SO never tolerated swearing of any kind.  So much so that when the judge exclaimed “Great oogly boogly!”, SO told him to “Watch the fuckin’ language!”
  • When photographic evidence was presented, SO always suggested it may have been "photoshopped."  What exactly it means to photoshop is unknown.
  • Ultimately, SO met his end after a demonstration gone wrong.  When it was suggested the victim of the case at hand may have committed suicide, SO rebutted by citing the lack of a burn mark.
As he often did, SO gave one of his demonstrations, first by shooting prosecutor Payne to show that there was no burn mark at that range, then by shooting himself in the head to show the burn mark made from the gun’s blast.

Even if he was a strange man, we will never forget Shonen Otaku: Ace Attorney.  Rest in peace, you amazing man of justice.

On second thought, maybe I should stick to writing.

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