Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Overtime, Part 1

I thought I could get away from this mess, but it was all for nothing.  All my struggles and all my violence have amounted to absolutely nothing, and for all I know, Otis changed his name and fled the country.

It’s all because of that stupid asshole Kakashi!  He came back at exactly the right time, and at first I appreciated his uncanny punctuality.  We were waving at each other giving our best cheers of joy that we succeeded and were making it out alive.  But Kakashi didn’t follow rule 31 of Zombieland!  Did he think this was just a brony riot or something?!

"What?  Something behind me?  Just the media oppression of the modern-day government dude!"

And how the hell did that thing sneak into the back seat without Kakashi knowing?  That zombie is a better ninja than he is!

With my ride a firey pile of scrap, I was ready to just sit down and die.  After all, with no helicopter, how was I going to get back my Twinkies?  The mall didn’t sell them, and the UBCS probably already shot them up for funsies.  I sat there on the helipad and contemplated my life.  The zombies (finally) found their way up and I could practically feel their rank halitosis.  I was ready and had no regrets other than never being able to enjoy the sweet cream filling of my Twinkies.

But then Isabella came in and ruined everything!  She came out of nowhere and shot all the zombies that were about to relieve me of my suffering!  That stupid bitch!  I was ready to cap her right between the eyes, but before I could whip out my liberated pistol, everything went black.  I must’ve caught that disease that makes you fall asleep at random.  Necrophilia, I believe it’s called.  I had no idea that was infectious!

Nothing!  F*$%# off!
When I woke up, we were both back in Carlito’s base.  She must've dragged me all the way back there.  She may also have violated me, but I was more concerned with how she was able to drag me all the way across the damn mall when I had to escort and carry her for the last two days!  She seriously meant to tell me that she could have just given me a piggyback all this time!  And the icing on the cake is she took everything I had in my pockets!

I backhanded her for wasting my time earlier, but for her pocket emptying I got creative and just gave her a scolding  It’s a good thing Isabela’s so submissive or she may not be helping me right now.

Apparently I’ve been infected.  After three days of practically showering myself in undead blood, I have now caught the zombie flu.

But there is hope, however small.  There is an itty bitty chance I can make it out of here and save my Twinkies.
At the risk of being eaten like her brother, Isabella has offered to make me a drug to make the flu retarded, or something like that.  With the flu too stupid to know what to do, I won’t turn into a zombie for a while and she will stay out of my stomach.

We’re going to need some really weird stuff from around the mall to make this thing work:
  • A first aid kit for the bullet wounds I’ll get from the UBCS while getting everything else.
  • A magnifying glass to burn a hole in my rock-hard muscles for the needle to enter.
  • A perfume bottle to get rid of that zombie smell.
  • Developing solution to inject the power of cameras into my bloodstream to make me a better photographer.
  • A camp stove to cauterize the injection hole.
  • Cold spray to put out any fires the stove makes.
  • Coffee filters because I don’t like my coffee raw.
  • A blender to recycle everything when we’re done using them to make a delicious shake.

And several of those wasps I’ve seen flying around the mall.  They should be easy enough to catch if I just slather myself in honey and get them to stick to me like fly paper, and that’s conspicuous enough to sneak past the UBCS.

I have 24 surprisingly specific hours to get all this stuff and bring it back.  The mall’s full of armed forces, and I’m going to be making trips up and down the whole place.  I guess I should just get to it instead of spending precious time writing this.

Cue montage music!

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