When you love something, you want to share it with the world, and when it comes to shonen manga, anime and games, there are few with as much knowledge, skill and love as the Shonen Otaku. Join me as we look at the duel-filled settings and characters that give us our favorite stories. Expect a lot of fighting, exposition and silliness here in the Shonen Otaku Corner.
It’s almost kind of fascinating how badly everything has
gone to shit here. People and zombies
alike are being gunned down and all my friends are dead. The UBCS is going to hide everything like at
Santa Cabeza and the public will probably never know. Sucks to be them. I, on the other hand, am almost out of here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
After getting fatass chunks all over my coat and eating
Carlito, I drove around the maintenance tunnels looking for Brad. I found him, but not in top condition.
His guts were spilling out of his stomach and blood was
coming out of his mouth. Pretty nasty
injuries, but he’d be fine if I took him back to the safe house for some magic
milk. I drank all the gallons I had.
Too bad Brad didn’t let me.
He told me to keep away. Being a
badass, he said it didn’t hurt. I
thought he was just being tough, so I poked him a few times and asked if it that
hurt, but every time Brad said he didn’t feel a thing.
"I'm already dead."
And then he exploded.
I don’t know how that happened, but it was an awesome way to
go. To carry on his legacy, I liberated
I went back to show Isabella my cool new locket, just to rub
it in her face, but when she saw it, it made her think of something else. Before I knew it, she had already typed in
the password! All this time it was
“patch a mama”, which in her strange language (pretty sure it’s Gaelic) means
“mother earth.” If this is what mom does
to their earth, she is one harsh bitch.
Apparently Carlito put some sort of memory seal on Isabella
that made her unable to remember the password until it was unlocked by the key
that was his locket! Who knows what
other kinds of mystical properties (and extra value) I can get out of this!
I was expecting to find a computer consisting of 90% porn
and 10% secret terrorist stuff, but there was no porn. We were able to clear up the phone lines
though, and we didn’t even have to use pickle relish to do it.
Not five seconds after that, Jessie called me on the walkie
to tell me she was contacting DHS headquarters.
I screamed into it, telling her not to.
If she called for rescue, that bitch would get out of here alive! I couldn’t let that happen! Not after what she’d done!
At first I hurried over to the safe house to kill the bitch
before she got away, but a few minutes later she called back and said HQ
ignored her. Instead, the government was
coming in to kill everyone in the mall. At
first I felt relieved that she wasn’t getting away, but I quickly realized two
even bigger problems: that the feds might steal my kill and that they might
take my Twinkies outside!!
Well, they didn’t steal my kill, at least. In fact, the military didn’t seem to be doing
the work at all. They hired the
UBCS! I knew Umbrella was in on this!
In minutes, the UBCS overran the mall and killed most of the
zombies. They were all heavily armed,
but their machine guns and heavy armor didn’t stand a chance against my pistol
and manly physique! I got more shot up
than Swiss cheese, but the food court was on the way to the safe house, so I
just filled my belly up with even more messiah juice and was on my way. I even managed to liberate a few of their guns
off their lifeless corpses.
I’m sure some of these guys have families to go back to, but
the needs of the people named Frank outweigh the needs of the many.
Luckily Jesse was still in the safe house, along with a
couple of dead soldiers and a note from Otis.
Apparently Otis hijacked a military chopper and escaped with the
survivors, meaning he must’ve killed those two soldiers in the process! That son of a bitch! They were innocent human beings just doing
their job! And now that Otis has his own
helicopter, he could be anywhere in the world by now!
Why is evil slipping
through my fingers?!
As I cursed the heavens in a dramatic monologue, Jessie
caught me by surprise. I managed to take
a nice picture, but soon she was all over me, giving me one of the most vicious
make-out sessions of my life.
Her eyes were practically red with excitement and I swear
she bit me once or twice too. I came in
ready to kill her, but I made a judgment call and decided to let her embrace me
one last time.
Then I remembered what she did. What she had said: “Can’t blame her for
running from a guy with your looks.” That
was when I blew her brains out. If
anyone asks, it was self-defense.
With only a couple hours to go until Kakashi arrived to pick
me up, I was willing to wait out the rest of my time here on the helipad, as
the UBCS has yet to find it. No wonder
they had to nuke Raccoon city. These
guys aren’t thorough.
I changed into some fresh clothes and was just about ready
to get some camping supplies, but I heard a voice in my head, the
same one that lied to me and said I can’t speak Japanese! It told me to go back to Isabella! Through all the heavily armed resistance and
zombies! Again I refused, but I was
swayed when the voice started playing “Whip My Hair” on a loop.
It was, of course, a stupid idea to go out there while the
military was taking over because they caught me by surprise and took me
away! Apparently one of the agents set
their machine gun to stun and knocked me out while I was on the verge of
death. I have yet to figure out how to
set mine to stun, but then again, I don’t care.
When I awoke, I found myself bound to a helicopter in my
undies. Could it be that the UBCS are in
league with the cult? And more
importantly, did they violate me while I was unconscious again?! My bunghole must be red as a tomato!
Thankfully the helicopter had yet to take off and the guards
outside moved backwards and forward in a predictable fashion. As a wise man once said, “I can break these
And I did. By putting
my cuffs under my butt and agonizing in self-taught constipation, I was able to
force out an incredible turd with the density of steel that broke my bindings
and allowed me to escape. I don’t know
where the patrolling guards went when I left.
I didn’t find any clothes on the way, so I had to meet
Isabella in my undies. She didn’t mind.
She told me that what the military is doing is just like
what they did at Santa Cabeza and that I should’ve gone without her. That’s it.
That's the plan. It always has been.
I busted my ass getting there and was raped in the process
just so she could tell me something I already knew and to do something I was
going to do anyway. I gave her a good
backhand before leaving, the time-eating whore!
And I got kidnapped again
on the way back to the heliport, so I had to make another cuff-breaking poop
and run all the way back still in my undies.
I’ll have to remember to give her a second backhand for that.
I guess it was at least partially my fault for going back to
the entrance plaza for camping equipment and stopping by the music store for a
guitar, but any man would do the same if they were going to have to wait for
hours. Now I have my camp set up until
Kakashi comes to get me out of this hellhole.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll practice my guitar playing.