Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Final Day

It’s almost kind of fascinating how badly everything has gone to shit here.  People and zombies alike are being gunned down and all my friends are dead.  The UBCS is going to hide everything like at Santa Cabeza and the public will probably never know.  Sucks to be them.  I, on the other hand, am almost out of here.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

After getting fatass chunks all over my coat and eating Carlito, I drove around the maintenance tunnels looking for Brad.  I found him, but not in top condition.

His guts were spilling out of his stomach and blood was coming out of his mouth.  Pretty nasty injuries, but he’d be fine if I took him back to the safe house for some magic milk.  I drank all the gallons I had.

Too bad Brad didn’t let me.  He told me to keep away.  Being a badass, he said it didn’t hurt.  I thought he was just being tough, so I poked him a few times and asked if it that hurt, but every time Brad said he didn’t feel a thing.

"I'm already dead."

And then he exploded.

I don’t know how that happened, but it was an awesome way to go.  To carry on his legacy, I liberated his gun.

I went back to show Isabella my cool new locket, just to rub it in her face, but when she saw it, it made her think of something else.  Before I knew it, she had already typed in the password!  All this time it was “patch a mama”, which in her strange language (pretty sure it’s Gaelic) means “mother earth.”  If this is what mom does to their earth, she is one harsh bitch.

Apparently Carlito put some sort of memory seal on Isabella that made her unable to remember the password until it was unlocked by the key that was his locket!  Who knows what other kinds of mystical properties (and extra value) I can get out of this!

I was expecting to find a computer consisting of 90% porn and 10% secret terrorist stuff, but there was no porn.  We were able to clear up the phone lines though, and we didn’t even have to use pickle relish to do it.

Not five seconds after that, Jessie called me on the walkie to tell me she was contacting DHS headquarters.  I screamed into it, telling her not to.  If she called for rescue, that bitch would get out of here alive!  I couldn’t let that happen!  Not after what she’d done!

At first I hurried over to the safe house to kill the bitch before she got away, but a few minutes later she called back and said HQ ignored her.  Instead, the government was coming in to kill everyone in the mall.  At first I felt relieved that she wasn’t getting away, but I quickly realized two even bigger problems: that the feds might steal my kill and that they might take my Twinkies outside!!

Well, they didn’t steal my kill, at least.  In fact, the military didn’t seem to be doing the work at all.  They hired the UBCS!  I knew Umbrella was in on this!

In minutes, the UBCS overran the mall and killed most of the zombies.  They were all heavily armed, but their machine guns and heavy armor didn’t stand a chance against my pistol and manly physique!  I got more shot up than Swiss cheese, but the food court was on the way to the safe house, so I just filled my belly up with even more messiah juice and was on my way.  I even managed to liberate a few of their guns off their lifeless corpses.

I’m sure some of these guys have families to go back to, but the needs of the people named Frank outweigh the needs of the many.

Luckily Jesse was still in the safe house, along with a couple of dead soldiers and a note from Otis.  Apparently Otis hijacked a military chopper and escaped with the survivors, meaning he must’ve killed those two soldiers in the process!  That son of a bitch!  They were innocent human beings just doing their job!  And now that Otis has his own helicopter, he could be anywhere in the world by now!

Why is evil slipping through my fingers?!

As I cursed the heavens in a dramatic monologue, Jessie caught me by surprise.  I managed to take a nice picture, but soon she was all over me, giving me one of the most vicious make-out sessions of my life.

Her eyes were practically red with excitement and I swear she bit me once or twice too.  I came in ready to kill her, but I made a judgment call and decided to let her embrace me one last time.

Then I remembered what she did.  What she had said: “Can’t blame her for running from a guy with your looks.”  That was when I blew her brains out.  If anyone asks, it was self-defense.

With only a couple hours to go until Kakashi arrived to pick me up, I was willing to wait out the rest of my time here on the helipad, as the UBCS has yet to find it.  No wonder they had to nuke Raccoon city.  These guys aren’t thorough.

I changed into some fresh clothes and was just about ready to get some camping supplies, but I heard a voice in my head, the same one that lied to me and said I can’t speak Japanese!  It told me to go back to Isabella!  Through all the heavily armed resistance and zombies!  Again I refused, but I was swayed when the voice started playing “Whip My Hair” on a loop.

It was, of course, a stupid idea to go out there while the military was taking over because they caught me by surprise and took me away!  Apparently one of the agents set their machine gun to stun and knocked me out while I was on the verge of death.  I have yet to figure out how to set mine to stun, but then again, I don’t care.

When I awoke, I found myself bound to a helicopter in my undies.  Could it be that the UBCS are in league with the cult?  And more importantly, did they violate me while I was unconscious again?!  My bunghole must be red as a tomato!

Thankfully the helicopter had yet to take off and the guards outside moved backwards and forward in a predictable fashion.  As a wise man once said, “I can break these cuffs!”

And I did.  By putting my cuffs under my butt and agonizing in self-taught constipation, I was able to force out an incredible turd with the density of steel that broke my bindings and allowed me to escape.   I don’t know where the patrolling guards went when I left.


I didn’t find any clothes on the way, so I had to meet Isabella in my undies.  She didn’t mind.

She told me that what the military is doing is just like what they did at Santa Cabeza and that I should’ve gone without her.  That’s it.

That's the plan.  It always has been.
I busted my ass getting there and was raped in the process just so she could tell me something I already knew and to do something I was going to do anyway.  I gave her a good backhand before leaving, the time-eating whore!

And I got kidnapped again on the way back to the heliport, so I had to make another cuff-breaking poop and run all the way back still in my undies.  I’ll have to remember to give her a second backhand for that.

I guess it was at least partially my fault for going back to the entrance plaza for camping equipment and stopping by the music store for a guitar, but any man would do the same if they were going to have to wait for hours.  Now I have my camp set up until Kakashi comes to get me out of this hellhole.  In the meantime, I guess I’ll practice my guitar playing.

I hope the UBCS doesn’t hear this.

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