Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 5

Germany has been taking everything I hold dear from me!  They are sorry pieces of shit!  They took Manhattan!  I was supposed to be the only one with Manhattan and they took it from me!  They have the balls to ask for peace by giving it back after taking what is rightfully mine!  Fuck you mustache man!  I will take back what is rightfully mine even if I have to kill you and every single one of your people!

It’s because of Germany I have to keep my armies near every one of my cities!  Every single turn ungrateful assholes come out of my cities to destroy all I have built and need to be put down!  And then Washington completely betrayed me!

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 4

With the war against the terrorist threat of Germany ongoing, I have put all our country has into military spending!  We need to be protected from all foreign threats and for that I have made every single one of our increasing number of cities focus soley on money and production.  They are the most important thing in my America!  Fuck your health care!  Fuck those ingrates that want food and water!  Fuck those ungrateful alt-leftists!  As long as I’m alive this country will be safe in my hands!  They can all die!

My approval ratings are at an all-time high after that.  I’ve gotten 15 super happy red faces!  That’s more than I’ve gotten in the whole game!  I’m good at war.  I’ve had a lot of wars of my own.  I’m really good at war.  I love war, in a certain way, but only when we win.

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 3

The threat of barbarians has gotten worse.  They are coming through our borders, they are raping our women and they need to be stopped!  No matter how much military I get, there seems to be no end to them.  I am almost certain these barbarians are colluding with a foreign government!  I’ve had spies stationed in almost every country to look for proof and they are very helpful.  The FBI can learn a thing or two from them!  My spies are loyal!  I demand absolute loyalty!  That is why these spies deliver, because they’re loyal.  I didn’t bother sending any to Russia though.  Russia can be trusted.  We can’t make our spies look at Russia.  That investigation must be stopped!  Russia has not done anything wrong!

Anyway, there’s been a lot of words being thrown, but ultimately friendships are being made.  Russia even made friends with England because of me.  I’m glad to be contributing to worldwide friendship.  I’ve always considered England to be bad, but if Russia trusts them I may reconsider.  I got settlers over near Russia so we can be friends.  One of them got too close to barbarians and I had to build the city next to Brazil on the coastline.  If Pedro doesn’t like it, too bad.  I am the president!  I have power and I can do whatever I want!  As Andrew Jackson once said, “when the president does it that means that it is not illegal!”

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 2

I have met the other nations: France, China and Russia.  I don’t know who those other guys are, but I like Russia.  Russia is the best.  They know how to run a country.  They already made a big telescope in space and they have uranium.  You know what uranium is, right?  It’s this thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including bad things.  But Russia is good and they will not be bad.

[Images such as these are from Twitter account @PresVillain.]

We hit it off.  We exchanged embassies and they asked for some sugar and we helped each other out.  I think we’re going to be best friends.

Trump Plays Civilization 5: Day 1

[Disclaimer: This series of articles is satirical and is not written by nor represents Donald Trump nor anyone who represents him or any other political party.]

Hello my fellow Americans.  My name is Donald Trump.  For several months now I have been one of the best presidents this nation has ever had.  The people love me and we’ve had a smooth transfer to a better age.  I bet you didn’t know that I also play games.

I like a lot of the games you probably do, like Call of Juarez: The Cartel and Army of Two, but in between signing papers I’ve been playing a lot of Civilization 5, a game made for the best leaders like me.  I like sharing my thoughts because they’re the ones that matter most so I made a game and will be sharing what happens.

I have the mind of the world’s best leaders

and the skills of its best game players.

Let’s get this started and make America great!